Feature image credit: Ketut Subiyanto @ pexels
I am around the age Jesus was when he died. What this means in the 21st-century Malaysian urban middle-class context is, my peers are popping babies left and right.
Which is great. I love watching them swoon over their offspring. But this also led to my incessant thoughts about parenthood. In particular, why do people choose it? And do I want it for myself?
I’ve heard a nice palette of reasons as to why one has kids. I stored them in the annals of my brain, to be retrieved for pondering when I stand in line for coffee.
After careful thought and consideration, I have formed the humble opinion that some of these reasons are just terrible. BUT, one is great. They are as follows.
TERRIBLE
If I ever have kids, I hope it won’t be for the following 5 reasons:
1. FOMO (fear of missing out)
Many people have cautioned me on the regret I’ll experience in the future if I don’t bake a bun or two in the oven now. Well, maybe they are right. Maybe 20 years down the road, I will wish hard that I tried for kids earlier. But even if that is the case, it feels unjust to have kids before I’m ready.
2. Pressure from family
An ex-boyfriend told me he wanted to give his grandparents great-grandkids as soon as possible. Never mind that at the time, he had no money or resources to raise a kid. I don’t think you need a lot of money to raise a child into a well-adjusted adult, but this guy had the emotional maturity of a carrot. For an unprepared person to create a little human being just to please an elder feels, well, unfair to the little human being.
3. Fear of loneliness
Loneliness sucks, and I do want company. But to have a kid for that reason feels like placing immense pressure on an unborn person. Maybe the kid won’t mind spending all their time with me, but it should be on their terms, and not out of obligation.
4. Need someone to continue a legacy
Sometimes I see kids get ‘groomed’ to take over a role, even before they have a chance to explore other interests… as if their agency doesn’t matter. It gives me acid reflux. To exist for a predestined reason is (for me) a horrible way to live.
5. As an insurance/retirement plan
When I am old, grey, and frail one day, it will be amazing to have youngsters care for me. But I don’t wish to create a youngster for this sole reason. I hope my kid has the freedom to go wherever they please and do whatever they wish, without having to worry about paying my bills or washing my bedpan. Of course, it’ll be nice if they do, but I don’t want my kids to think it’s expected of them.
GREAT
But if I ever have a kid, I hope that it will be for this single reason: to have someone to love and care for.
It’s a selfish reason because ultimately, I’d be forcing an existence on another human being just so I can have an outlet for my affection. Since they’d be living for my pleasure, I hope they wouldn’t have to pay taxes for my choices too.
I want my child to grow up to be a well-adjusted adult, have as little trauma as possible, and with few toxic ideas to unlearn (I wouldn’t dare say zero, because I’m a mere mortal).
Above all, I want my child to know from the day they are born that they have value. That their agency matters. That their existence is not just a matter of convenience. They must have the freedom to live for themself.
Is this wishful thinking?
Chow Ping Lee is a content writer under Headliner by Newswav, a programme where content creators get to tell their unique stories through articles and at the same time monetize their content within the Newswav app.
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