Depression can turn into deadly thinking in men. Here is how to spot the warning signs and act before tragedy strikes
DEPRESSION strikes millions but in its darkest form, it drives fathers to destroy what they love most – their own families.
Friends and family can identify these cognitive shifts early, particularly “learned helplessness”, the psychological state arising from repeated uncontrollable stressors, thereby averting tragedies.
“Learned helplessness”, a term coined by psychologist Martin Seligman in the late 1960s, happens when someone faces repeated uncontrollable problems like job loss, mounting debt or family pressures they can’t fix.
Consider a father passed over for promotion year after year. After a while, he stops taking effort, stops asking for raises even when a new boss arrives who might listen. Or a family member, whose opinions get ignored at every gathering, eventually stops speaking up entirely.
The brain learns “nothing works”, killing motivation and trapping people in passivity and despair, even when escape appears. This breeds chronic sadness, poor focus and giving up on goals.
It explains why some endure abuse, poverty or dead-end jobs without fighting back. For most, withdrawal follows. But in severe cases, it darkens further, making death the only perceived escape for all.
Mental health cases have nearly doubled among Malaysian adults since 2019, reaching 29.2%, according to the National Health and Morbidity (NHMS) Survey data.
Men raised to endure silently as providers hide pain until financial stress overwhelms them. These same pressures build early in university students, who carry them forward as tomorrow’s family providers.
NHMS 2023 data reveals that one million Malaysians aged 16 and above are living with depression while the Malaysian Youth Mental Health Index 2023 found that six in 10 youths aged 15 to 30 are struggling with mild-to-severe depressive symptoms and three in 10 with moderate-to-severe anxiety.
On another note, Malaysia’s “tahan saja” culture continues to affect male mental health, discouraging many men from seeking help even when clear warning signs are present.
Calls to Talian Heal 15555 doubled to 90,981 in 2025. Yet men aged 18 to 35 – often carrying significant financial and family responsibilities – remain among the least likely to reach out for support. Early intervention can significantly reduce suicide risk, but cultural expectations and stigma often delay help-seeking until a crisis emerges.
These combined pressures and cultural barriers transform learned helplessness into three specific cognitive distortions.
Disaster feels certain: Endless negative thoughts lock the mind, unlike everyday stress that comes and goes. Normal worry (“I hope we pay the bills this month”) turns into fact (“We will lose the house”).
Love becomes deadly: They believe death “saves” their family from suffering – “better off without my failure”. Studies show 68% of these fathers never showed violence before.
No time left: They lose all sense of future beyond days or weeks, compressing months of normal planning into a frantic four to six-week rush. These are not gradual worries. The entire way of thinking flips suddenly, like a switch. These patterns cluster together, setting them apart from routine strain.
From twisted thoughts to dangerous actions
These mental flips don’t stay inside the head; they quickly show up as behaviours anyone can notice.
Persistent talk about financial ruin can evolve into catastrophic thinking, drawing the entire family into into gloom. The “deadly love” distortion appears when seemingly casual remarks become alarming, such as: “The kids would be better off without me.”
A distorted sense of time may manifest as obsessive monitoring of finances or quietly putting affairs in order. Sleeplessness is often associated with depression, but when coupled with expressions of hopelessness centred on loved ones, it can signal a worsening crisis.
Everyday frustrations tend to pass. However, sudden anger or intense preoccupation with “protecting” family members may reflect a troubling shift in thinking and a breakdown in healthy emotional connections.
When someone starts staying home far more than usual, skipping work, avoiding friends or withdrawing from daily life, it may be a warning sign of deeper emotional distress, particularly in men facing financial and family pressures.
This becomes more concerning if financial documents such as bank statements or bills suddenly go missing or are handled differently than before. These subtle changes can reflect growing shame, secrecy or distorted thinking associated with depression and may indicate a need for gentle support before the situation escalates. These behaviours cluster fast, unlike routine stress that scatters. They indicate preparation, not mere retreat.
Effective questions to ask
Friends and family can interrupt a downward spiral with simple, caring conversations.
Thoughtful questions can gently probe for hidden dangers without sounding confrontational. The responses may provide insight into a person’s outlook, sense of hope or signal urgent risk.
“What are your plans for the next few weeks or months?”
People experiencing stress or temporary setbacks will often describe upcoming responsibilities, goals or events. Responses that reflect an inability to envision the future, persistent hopelessness or a complete absence of plans may warrant closer attention.
“What keeps you going when things feel difficult?”
Answers that identify meaningful relationships, responsibilities or sources of purpose can indicate protective factors. Expressions of overwhelming guilt, worthlessness or beliefs that others would be better off without them may signal increased risk.
“Would you be willing to contact Talian HEAL together right now?”
A willingness to seek support is generally a positive sign. Strong resistance, refusal to engage with available help or statements suggesting there is no point in seeking assistance may indicate the need for more urgent intervention.
Act before it is too late
Friends and family are often the first to notice subtle changes in a person’s behaviour. Remarks that suggest hopelessness, excessive guilt or that loved ones would be better off without them may reflect more than momentary frustration and deserve attention.
Psychological research shows that people in crisis often exhibit recognisable warning signs before a tragedy occurs.
A single conversation can make a meaningful difference. If you are concerned about someone, do not ignore the warning signs – reach out, ask, listen and help connect them with support.
Dr Shabina Rehman is a senior lecturer at Management and Science University, Malaysia. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com
