Focus on the Family Malaysia offers advice on staying connected with your tween and handling marital conflict with respect
Q: My son used to tell me everything but now that he is about to start secondary school, I can barely get him to tell me how his day went. How can I stay connected with him?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: By the time children enter their tween years, their journey towards independence is well under way. For parents, this can be exciting and unsettling.
When a child begins to spread his wings, it can feel as though he is turning his back on you. But that is rarely the case. Your tween needs you just as much, maybe even more. He simply needs you differently than he did during his formative years.
As parents, we must learn to strike a delicate balance. As author Cynthia Tobias puts it: “You have to relax your grip while never taking your hands off the wheel. If you back off too much, you’ll leave them drifting and flailing. But if you lean in too hard, you’ll push them away or embarrass them.”
This means leaning in enough to take your son’s concerns seriously. The challenges he faces may seem minor to you but to a tween, they can feel huge.
Resist the urge to rush in with solutions. Instead, listen first – not only to their words but also to how they feel and gently guide them as they discover their own answers.
If you would like to strengthen your relationship with your son, join us for our Mum & Son Connection on Aug 8, 2026. Visit family.org.my/ mumson for more information.
Q: I am newly married and have been surprised by how much conflict my spouse and I have experienced. We rarely argued when we were dating, so it has been confusing and disturbing. Is something wrong with our marriage?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: The first thing to understand is that conflict is inevitable in any close relationship – even in the marriages of so-called relationship experts.
Conflict isn’t always a bad thing. When handled with respect and without abuse, it can strengthen a marriage and deepen understanding.
The key is to address problems early rather than letting resentment build. Simply suppressing your differences rarely works. The longer a disagreement simmers, the bigger it tends to become.
When discussing an issue, be clear and specific. Avoid exaggerations such as “never” or “always”, which are rarely accurate and often trigger defensiveness. Instead of saying, “You never do what you say you’re going to do”, try: “It frustrates me when you don’t take the trash out on Mondays.”
Likewise, use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, say “I feel hurt when you don’t follow through”, rather than: “You are so irresponsible.”
Focus on the problem, not the person. Stay on the issue at hand and resist bringing up past grievances or unrelated complaints. Make an effort to understand your spouse’s point and keep disagreements private.
Once you have both shared your viewpoints, discuss what each of you needs and work together towards a solution. Be willing to ask for forgiveness when necessary and remember that preserving your relationship is more important than winning an argument.
The best outcome is one where both spouses feel heard, respected and valued.
This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. It provides a myriad of programmes and resources, including professional counselling services, to the community. For more information, visit family.org.my. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com