EP 1- KOPITIAM FOOTBALL FRENZY: WHEN SPAIN BROKE SOME MALAYSIANS' HEARTS
The morning after the World Cup Final, Old Uncle had barely unlocked his kopitiam when the front door flew open.
Muniandy marched in wearing an Argentina jersey and a faded sky-blue scarf that looked as though it had accompanied Diego Maradona into the Azteca Stadium in 1986.
Without saying a word, he yanked the scarf from his neck and hurled it onto the table.
"We were robbed!"
Ali looked over his newspaper.
"Morning to you too."
Ah Hock glanced at the scarf.
"I thought you buried that thing years ago."
"It is my lucky scarf!"
"Lucky?" laughed Ali. "Argentina lost! The only thing lucky is that scarf hasn't killed anybody yet. Wash it before the Health Ministry quarantines this kopitiam."
Even Old Uncle joined in.
"I've seen cleaner floor mops."
The whole kopitiam burst into laughter.
Muniandy folded his arms.
"You all laugh now. One day justice will prevail."
Ah Hock grinned.
"Justice? Even Sammy the Squid betrayed you."
Muniandy frowned.
"What Sammy?"
"That famous psychic squid from our kopitiam WhatsApp group. Every match he predicted correctly. Yesterday he confidently picked Argentina."
Ali shook his head.
"I think Sammy needs calamari counselling."
Ah Hock laughed.
"Counselling won't help. Sammy was blur like sotong."
Ali slapped the table.
"Of course he's blur like sotong. He is a sotong!"
The whole kopitiam erupted again.
"Poor Sammy," chuckled Old Uncle. "He squirted ink over his prediction sheet and ended up predicting yesterday's weather instead."
Even Muniandy couldn't stop himself from smiling.
Ali sipped his kopi.
"Let's start from the beginning. Before anyone kicked a ball."
"The halftime show," groaned Muniandy.
"The football was delayed because apparently FIFA forgot people came to watch football."
Ali rolled his eyes.
"Then Makcik Madonna walked onto the stage."
Ah Hock corrected him.
"Walked? More like made a royal entrance."
Ali shook his head.
"I nearly fainted."
"Why?"
"I realised Makcik Madonna is older than the three of us put together."
"You failed Mathematics again," said Ah Hock. "She's older than YOU. The rest of us are still teenagers."
Ali ignored him.
"Then the Muppets appeared."
"The Muppets?" asked Old Uncle.
"Yes! Kermit, Miss Piggy, Gonzo, Animal... the whole gang."
Ah Hock nodded seriously.
"To be fair, at least they know how to pass the ball."
"And Animal," added Ali, "looked ready to manage England."
Muniandy sighed.
"I spent twenty minutes wondering whether I was watching the World Cup Final or Sesame Street after dark."
Ali continued.
"The performers were dancing, fireworks exploding, drones flying everywhere..."
"And then," interrupted Ah Hock, "the cameras suddenly remembered there was supposed to be a football match."
Muniandy leaned forward.
"And what a match."
The table fell silent.
"Spain were magnificent," Ali admitted.
"But Argentina..." said Muniandy quietly, "...never stopped fighting."
"The kid..." said Ah Hock.
"What kid?"
"Lamine Yamal."
Ali smiled.
"Can you believe it? There are photographs of him as a baby being held by Lionel Messi."
Muniandy groaned.
"So Messi accidentally blessed Spain."
Ah Hock laughed.
"Imagine that. Messi spends twenty years making Argentina champions..."
"...only to babysit the fellow who breaks Argentina's heart."
Ali grinned.
"If Messi ever opens a childcare centre, every Argentine parent will panic."
Even Muniandy laughed.
Then, after they discussed the football in detail, the trophy presentation became pure comedy.
Ali shook his head.
"The players had waited their whole lives to lift the World Cup."
"And then..." sighed Ah Hock.
"...Donald Trump wandered into the middle of the celebration."
Muniandy blinked.
"I thought he was presenting the trophy."
"So did Spain."
"So did Argentina."
"I think Trump thought he'd won the tournament."
Ali stood up and puffed out his chest, pretending to be Trump.
"'Ladies and gentlemen... tremendous victory. Many people say I scored the winning goal. Nobody scores goals better than me.'"
The kopitiam exploded with laughter.
Ah Hock pointed an imaginary camera.
"Every Spanish player was trying to find the trophy."
"And every photographer was trying to find Trump."
Uncle Lim chuckled.
"Poor Gianni Infantino."
Ali acted out the scene.
"Infantino politely whispered, 'Mr President... perhaps stand over there...'"
Trump takes one step sideways...
...spots the FIFA World Cup trophy...
...grabs it dramatically...
...raises it over his head...
...fumbles it...
...nearly drops it...
...and somehow catches it again.
"Wah!" shouted Ali. "Even the trophy wanted to escape!"
Ah Hock nearly fell off his chair laughing.
"He moved like a homing pigeon. Every time they pushed him away..."
"...he came back!"
Ali suddenly started singing.
"Young man... there's no need to feel down..."
Ah Hock jumped up.
"Y...M...C...A!"
Old Uncle waved a dish towel above his head.
Muniandy tried to remain serious for three seconds...
...then burst out laughing and joined in.
Soon the entire kopitiam was on its feet.
Customers, waiters and even Old Uncle danced between the tables singing,
"It's fun to stay at the YMCA!"
By now nobody could breathe from laughing.
Finally Uncle Lim switched the television back to Spain's victory parade.
Ali reached beneath the counter and produced a box filled with Spanish scarves, hats and flags.
"If Spain are champions," he declared, "we celebrate like Spaniards."
Even Muniandy reluctantly wrapped a Spanish scarf around his neck.
"I can't believe I'm wearing this."
"Nonsense," laughed Ah Hock. "Think of it as football diplomacy."
At that moment, the speakers began playing the famous Spanish bullfighting tune, "España Cañí."
Without another word, the four friends linked arms.
Together with everyone in the kopitiam they marched around waving Spanish memorabilia and shouting,
"¡Olé! ¡Olé! ¡Olé! ¡Olé!"
Outside, puzzled passers-by peered through the windows.
Inside, Old Uncle simply smiled.
Another World Cup had ended.
Another unforgettable morning had begun at the kopitiam.
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