The recent death of Asian singing superstar Coco Lee has sparked much controversy regarding mental health since the late songstress committed suicide due to severe depression. But in reality, many A-Lister celebrities have an issue with mental health of some form. For example, singer Brian Wilson the lyrical genius and mastermind behind The Beach Boys was famously diagnosed with bipolar schizo-affective disorder during the band's early formative years. Despite having psychiatric medication, he struggled greatly with the illness throughout the years. In today's pop culture world, American pop singer Halsey also famously confessed that she had bipolar disorder as a youth.
And just like the award-winning singer Halsey, I was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder, although the diagnosis only came upon me when I entered adulthood. Here is my story below:
When I was still in my teens, I noticed something rather "off-ish" or weird with me. For example, I always have this heavy-pressured and discomfort feeling inside my head. Furthermore, I could hear evil voices or psychotic hallucinations of people from a far distance talking badly or criticising me. Regarding social mingling, I have very few friends at school who would sit weirdly in one isolated corner alone with my face buried in a book - albeit not making eye contact with passersby. Naturally, I complained to Mum about my problems, - and a panic-stricken her instantly took me to see an expensive neurologist at a private medical centre. The neurologist gave me a head-to-toe neurological examination topped with a CAT scan to check for any unwanted signs of a brain tumour. However, the results were thankfully negative. Then, the doctor also assured my mum that there was nothing to worry about and I was merely having pre-SPM stress.
But, my neurological problems worsened even after I visited the neurologist. As the voices and hallucinations began manifesting into Freddy Kruger-style nightmares, a frantic and desperate mum took me to see a Malay 'dukun', aka witchdoctor, upon recommendation by a superstitious relative of mine. My precious hours weirdly spent at the so-called shaman's creepy and old 'kampung-style' house were filled with mumbo-jumbo crap that could outdo the movie Dukun. One of them includes the woman harshly throwing some uncooked rice or 'beras-mentah'; in an attempt to cleanse my spirit and body while she mumbled 'god-knows-what' in monotonous Dukun-lingo. After the ritual was done, the dukun told my mum that the primary reason I was mentally disturbed was due to someone cursing me with black magic via a human skeleton skull. However, I just rolled my eyes and returned home with Mum to 'mandi-bunga', as the dukun instructed.
A few years later, when I finally successfully entered uni after several failed attempts, I faced severe bullying and discrimination. I could not adjust well to living outside on my own. Every day without fail, I would cry to sleep in the hostel room, for I was homesick and missed Mum and Dad the most. Since I was always alone and scared, I became the hapless target of the many evils, lowlife dirtbags that lurked in the hostel building where I stayed. They often tried to intimidate me by laughing eerily like a banshee or even going to other mean-spirited lengths to get under my skin. Among them are banging loudly at my hostel door in the middle of the night or sliding little notes of threats underneath it. However, a massive war of words with the perpetrators soon went out of hand, ultimately leading to me being kicked out of the hostel even though I was the victim.
On campus grounds, I always assumed I was the weirdest and also the most despised undergraduate. I would come to classes in the morning covered in stale odour-smelling sweat, much to the annoyance and disgust of others. Even weirder and much grosser, I would wear the same old worn-out clothes I wore almost daily. At the same time, my female course-mates were dressed fashionably in designer wear and spritzed with copious amounts of fragrant Victoria's Secret's Pure Seduction perfume. As I looked like a poor hillbilly, my peers ostracised and rejected me for almost everything! Since nobody wanted me, I was turned away and left out during group assignments. Due to that, I have no choice but to work on my assignments via 'solo'; each time, although I must confess, I was the happiest just being by myself compared to those selfish jerks!
The oppression I faced from my peers during my three years at uni eventually took the cake and resulted in a 'face-off' confrontation with them. Nevertheless, the 'bipolar' did not mince my words. Thus, I put their nasty a** where they belong by pointing at them and loudly revealing all the Diabolical evil they have done to me. Picture Marvel's Ghost Rider's 'infamous Penance Of Stare'. Not only that, but I also told them angrily that they were going straight to hell if they did not mend their wicked ways. But to my dismay, my little outburst in class soon went viral on campus, and no doubt, I soon got called to the Dean's room for an earful and a stern disciplinary action warning.
After graduation from uni, I happily moved back to my beautiful hometown, where I live in bliss and harmony with my family. But still, nasty and inconsiderate people are everywhere in the form of the Wicked Witch of The West and her legion of evil ghouls living next door to me. However, the daily squabbles and foul exchange of words ultimately became the last straw for my peace-loving parents. Hence, they decided to take me to see a well-known shrink cum psychiatrist.
The shrink cum psychiatrist Dr C took one good look at me at his clinic and told my parents that I have bipolar. My family were flabbergasted and could not accept the reality of this sudden diagnosis. Moreover, we have little knowledge about 'bipolar' other than people around me often noticing my sudden mood changes and quick temperaments. For those unaware, bipolar disorder is a severe mental health condition that causes changes in a person's mood, energy and ability to function. In other words, it is also an extreme mood disorder - which explains why I have my periods of highs and lows. For example, sometimes I would feel super-duper excited for no reason, while other days, I would be severely depressed and lie in bed sobbing uncontrollably for hours.
As of now, my bipolar disorder is much-more stabilised due to regular medication and leading an active, healthy lifestyle every day. Also, I have the best and most amazing support team ever, in the form of both Mum and Dad! Despite that, I kept the bipolar diagnosis (type 2) within four walls to myself and my loved ones since I feared society would stigmatise me, especially from highly sought-after jobs and other people. After all, mental health is still a taboo in Asian culture. But do take note that, like much-dreaded diseases like cancer or autism, learning disabilities, being bipolar is neither something that we want nor ask to be born with. So, end the stigma of those with mental health or who are born differently. Because we 'so-called freaks' that you refer to can find success far more than most 'so-called ordinary' people could!
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