By Pola Singh
As I grow older, I find myself thinking more about the people who have passed through my life — family members, friends, colleagues and even acquaintances who, in one way or another, have made my journey a little richer.
And one thought keeps returning to me: Why are we sometimes so generous with our praise after someone has died, yet so economical with it while the person is still alive?
Attend a wake and you will hear beautiful words. We speak of the deceased person’s kindness, generosity, loyalty and achievements. We recall how he helped us when we were struggling, how she stood by the family during difficult times, or how much happiness that person brought into our lives.
All these words are sincere. But sadly, the person who most deserved to hear them is no longer there to listen.
My friend Dr Alex Mathews put it beautifully when he reminded me of a simple piece of advice: send people flowers while they can still smell them.
That thought has stayed with me.
Perhaps we should go even further. Let us occasionally give deserving people their “red-carpet moment” while they are still with us.
It does not require an actual red carpet, an award ceremony or an expensive dinner. Sometimes the red carpet consists of nothing more than a few sincere words: “You have been a wonderful friend.” “I appreciate what you did for me.” “You supported me when I really needed it.” “You handled that crisis very well.” “Our family is fortunate to have you.” “I am truly proud of you.”
Simple words. Yet we seem strangely reluctant to say them.
My sister once put it rather amusingly: Is it so difficult to say a few nice words to someone who truly deserves them — as though gold has to come out of our mouths?
She has a point.
Many of us admire people silently. We think highly of them. We notice their kindness. We appreciate their sacrifices and admire what they have achieved. Yet somehow, those thoughts remain locked inside us.
Perhaps it is the way some of us were brought up. Praise was not given freely. We were expected to do our duty without expecting compliments. Too much praise, we sometimes feared, might go to someone’s head.
But at this stage of my life, I am beginning to think that there are some old habits worth unlearning. We can unlearn and relearn. We can learn to say what is already in our hearts.
There is a double benefit in doing so. The person receiving the compliment experiences that wonderful “you made my day” moment. But something happens to the giver too. There is satisfaction in finally expressing a positive thought that may have been sitting silently inside us for years. Both walk away feeling a little better.
I sometimes joke that we seniors have an unusual storage system. We keep our good thoughts on a thumb drive, safely tucked away somewhere, while keeping our complaints and negative thoughts permanently loaded in the brain, ready for instant retrieval!
Perhaps it is time to reverse the system.
Keep the good thoughts readily accessible. When someone does something kind, say so. When your spouse prepares something you enjoy, express your appreciation. When an old friend has stood beside you for decades, tell him what his friendship has meant. When your children or grandchildren make you proud, don’t assume they already know it.
Tell them.
This becomes even more important as we grow older. Ageing can easily become a conversation about what we have lost — our speed, strength, hearing, memory, friends or independence. If we are not careful, every new morning can become another inventory of aches and limitations.
But growing older has also taught me to notice what remains.
At 77, I have increasingly learnt to appreciate the ordinary blessings that I once took for granted — being able to wake up, walk, see, hear, enjoy a conversation, laugh with friends and spend time with people I care about. I still look forward to my walks at Bukit Kiara, though not with the speed or frequency of my younger days. The fact that I can still put one foot before the other is itself something for which I am grateful. And after a walk, there is the simple pleasure of joining fellow hikers at Grace’s Café for a drink, a chat and some laughter.
Perhaps that is one of the gifts of ageing: we finally begin to understand that life does not have to be perfect to be precious.
We cannot stop the clock. None of us knows how many years remain. But we can certainly add more life to the years that remain. One way is by becoming more generous — not necessarily with money, but with appreciation, encouragement, forgiveness, sincerity and affection.
Call the friend you have been meaning to call. Thank the person who once helped you. Compliment someone who deserves it. Tell your brother or sister what they mean to you. Give credit when credit is due. In this instance, silence is certainly not golden.
I try to practise this in my own small way.
One person I have no hesitation praising is my Bukit Kiara hiking friend, Tan Ah Seng. He has quietly been helping Grace, a single mother, relocate and restart her café business at Bukit Kiara. Apart from giving her practical support, he encourages hikers to stop at her café after their walks and helps spread the word about her business. A few months ago, he also organised and fully funded a get-together meal for Bukit Kiara hikers.
These may seem like small acts in the larger scheme of things, but to the person receiving the help, they can mean a great deal. So when I see Ah Seng doing something good, I tell him. Sometimes I thank him in front of others. Not to flatter him, but because I believe goodness deserves to be acknowledged.
And perhaps there is another reason for doing so. What we appreciate, we encourage. When people know that their kindness has made a difference, they are more likely to continue. Others who hear about it may be inspired to do something similar. In our own little communities, that is how one good deed can quietly lead to another.
Ah Seng deserves his red-carpet moment. And there are many “Ah Sengs” around us — people quietly doing good without seeking attention. Perhaps we simply need to become better at noticing them.
I am trying to practise this myself, but I will not always succeed. Old habits accumulated over a lifetime do not disappear overnight. Perhaps growing older should not only mean accumulating years. It should also mean becoming a little wiser, kinder, more positive and more willing to express what is in our hearts.
After all, the finest tribute is not the one delivered at a wake. It is the one the person gets to hear.
So give people their flowers while they can still smell them. Give them their applause while they can still hear it. And give them their red-carpet moment while they can still walk on it.
You may just make their day. And, quite unexpectedly, you may make your own as well.
Pola Singh (mediaplayer1717@gmail.com) is a content creator under the Newswav Creator programme, where you get to express yourself, be a citizen journalist, and at the same time monetize your content & reach millions of users on Newswav. Log in to creator.newswav.com and become a Newswav Creator now!
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