Back in 2023, I successfully secured my first full-time role in my dream company after two years of hard work. However, I was only able to spend about 5 months there before tendering my resignation. Resigning from my first ever full time job in less than a year was my biggest nightmare. I spent many hours back and forth wondering if I should resign, because I felt like I was giving up too fast. The company was prestigious and I felt that if I just held on long enough, I would get better. However, I just couldn't take it much longer. Here's when I realised it was time for me to let go…
1. When I was crying every morning before going to work.
This is the first time this has ever happened to me. Of course there are days in our life where we don't feel like going to work, but this was different. I was full-fledged breaking down just as I wake up, because I was so scared of going to work. I needed to take 30mins to calm myself down and gather enough courage to step out of my bed to get ready every morning, and it was the worst on Mondays.
2. When I was more scared to be scolded than to be fired.
I had managers that were very ambitions, and that's fine. The problem was when there were too many managers trying to give me a different directions, and when I try my best to do it, I would be wrong all the time because each manager wanted something different. I could not even justify myself because the perception was that each employee should take ownership of their work, and not blame anyone else for your mistakes. I was perceived to have victim mentality, which became worse when I was reprimanded in front of a meeting with more than 20 people, twice, in front of HoDs and more. Looking back, was that truly necessary? It's understandable to be reprimanded when I was wrong - it just wasn't necessary to be in front of a crowd. The feeling of being humiliated and degraded made me so scared of doing anything at all, and at times I would rather just be fired than to continue working.
3. When I started needing to take medication for my physical symptoms of mental illness.
The fear of being scolded for something when I go to work, even though I don't know what it would be, started manifesting itself as physical symptoms. I could not sleep, and would either wake up often if stay mentally awake during the night. I would always feel tired the next day and this affected my focus at work. I also had heart palpitations, for which I had to eat another type of medication. The palpitations made it hard for me to breathe even when staying seated. No coffee for me, as it would make my heart race even faster.
4. When I didn't know what the heck I was doing here anymore.
I came here as a freshie, junior executive to explore the industry and learn. I was so excited to finally land a job in the company of my dreams, and to prove myself in my role. However, amongst all the mess, I no longer understood why I was here, or what my purpose was. My team leader even gave a hint that I was replaceable, but somehow they still need me here that's why they are coaching me. I think I just lost all my motivation after that, and was just there trying to cope and complete everyone's orders, and even when it was completed, I didn't feel happy or feel anything at all. Just numb. At the end of my days in the company, I launched a grand-scale consumer contest by myself. When it was launched, I wasn't happy - just kept hoping I would not be scolded if there was a mistake.
5. When I realised that it's either I quit this job, or spend the next few years of my life suffering everyday.
As every employee, I wanted to stay in one company for the longest time and grow my career there. I was hoping I'd get to do that here. I was optimistic that I would get better the more I was in the role, but honestly, the future looked bleak. Also looking at the other managers and feedback of fellow employees around my age, it was just not the best place to grow. It didn't get better for them, and I don't think it would have for me either. Moreover, my family shared with me me that it hurts to see me digress both mentally, physically and emotionally due to this job. No job is ever worth it if the suffering outweighs the growth curve. It would be better for me to take a step back now and resign in my probation, than have to serve a longer notice period if I am confirmed.
I realised that my suffering would continue for the next few years if I don't resign now, and would cause me lots of further health problems in the future. So this is how it ends.
Two after resigning, I can say that I don't regret it at all. Of course it sucks to leave a company I tried two years to get in, but taking the time to truly focus on myself and recuperate gave me the chance to love myself more and see the company without rose tinted glasses. A lesson well learned.
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