What if one fine morning Malaysia just... ran out of politicians? Nobody noticed at first. Seriously. Parliament would be quiet. Too dead quiet. No one shouting "Yang Berhormat!" for 6 hours straight, no one calling someone else katak, no 3-hour live debate about the meaning of one word in the Constitution. The cleaner at Parliament came in, switched on the lights, and went, "Eh? Where is everybody?" All the chairs empty. All the mics still on.
Maybe aliens abducted them. Maybe they all got sucked into a wormhole and are now trying to form a unity government on Planet Nabiru. We don't know. We didn't ask. We were too busy enjoying the silence.
Welcome to New Malaysia 2. ……….. ( please fill in the blank). Patch update needed. Could the rakyat become very confused?
For the first two weeks, the country might suffer a national crisis: uncles at the kopitiam had nothing to talk about. For 60 years, the conversation starter was: "Eh, you heard what that YB said ah? Bodoh betul!"
Now it's: "Eh... you heard... the weather very hot hor?" Dead hot air. Kopi O became tasteless.
It could be disastrous in WhatsApp. The family group might collapsed. Aunties had no more "MUST WATCH!! SHOCKING SPEECH BY YB - SHARE TO 10 GROUPS BEFORE PDRM CATCH YOU!!" videos to forward. For the first time in Malaysian history, they are forced to forward actually useful things. Like their curry puff recipe. Like the location of a good dentist. We all might be traumatized. Your aunt might actually asked, "How are you, son?" And you will be thinking of whether her phone kena hack.
TV news channels were in full panic. What to report when there's no press conference at 11am, no one launching a new highway that is actually an old highway repainted? So they had to run actual news.
"Longkang in Taman Sejati, Sungai Petani Finally Fixed After 8 Years." It got 10 million views. People were crying. News portals might just have to interview the longkang.
Election is Now sort of a Hari Raya
Because without political parties, what is an election? It's not a democratic process anymore. It's a seasonal festival. Like Hari Raya, Chinese New Year, Deepavali, Christmas all combined.
Every 5 years, we still celebrate Pilihan Raya. The SPR still puts up tents. But there are no flags. I repeat, NO FLAGS. No 500,000 blue, red, green, white flags hanging like dead bats from every lamp post from Perlis to Johor, tangling up with TNB wires.
No more 40-foot banners with a guy's face that says "PRIHATIN RAKYAT" while his face has never seen the rakyat in his life except during election.
The ballot paper is also simplified. It just says:
☐ Tick if you still want free Nasi Kandar Kuah Banjir on Fridays.
☐ Tick if you agree LRT should go all the way to your Kampung.
Selamat Hari Mengundi to all. Maaf zahir batin if this satire is too honest. We take photos, we eat for free under the big tent, we forgive everyone, and then we clean up. That's it. No one cries fraud. No one needs to go to court for 3 years to argue about one ballot box from 2018.
The Finance Ministry Finds Money
The most shocking discovery was at the Ministry of Finance. One officer opened the drawer where we keep the national budget and screamed, "Eh! Why got so much leftover?"
Because when you don't have to print 1 million banners, pay for 10,000 "official working visits" to London to "study their traffic light system" (spoiler: their traffic light also got red, yellow, green), and you don't have to allocate RM2 billion for "Special Projects to Strengthen Unity" which is actually just a dinner, you save A LOT.
We suddenly had enough money to fix ALL schools. Not just paint them blue. Actually fix the toilet, the roof, and the fans that go wong-wong-wong but no wind. We built an LRT from Perlis to Johor. Straight line. No need to detour because someone's cousin owns land there.
And yes, free Nasi Kandar Kuah Banjir for everyone on Fridays. The economy boomed because everyone stopped saying "Wait after election, then only project jalan." Now everyone just jalan.
Anti corruptions officers might became jobless. They had nothing to investigate. On the contrary they could opened a resort in Langkawi. Called it "We Are Very Free Now Resort." 5-star.
Everyone Have To Actually Do Work
This was the biggest shock? Without YBs to officiate everything, Malaysians had to do everything themselves. Got new kedai runcit? No YB to cut ribbon. So the owner cut it himself. His hands were shaking. His wife clapped. It was beautiful.
Got football tournament? No VIP to give trophy and give a 45-minute speech about how football is like nation-building. So a boy won, and his mother gave him the trophy and said, "Good job, budak busuk." He cried. It was more sincere than any speech ever given in Dewan Rakyat since Merdeka.
Government meetings started ON TIME. And finished in 30 minutes. Because no one was waiting for "YB is on the way, OTW, 5 minutes" which actually means 2 hours and 30 minutes and he will come with 8 photographers.
We discovered Malaysia can actually run itself. Like a mamak shop at 2am. Chaotic, noisy, the roti guy shouting, but somehow everyone gets fed. No one needs a manager to tell the roti guy how to flip roti.
JKR fixed roads without needing someone to do a Face book live pointing at the pothole.
The Final Problem
After 6 months of peace, prosperity, on-time meetings, and zero people calling each other pengkhianat on live TV, Malaysians got... bored.
We are Malaysians. We cannot live without drama. So one night, at a teh tarik stall in Sungai Petani, one uncle said while slurping, "Eh, life too peaceful ah. Why don't we choose someone to represent us? Someone who can argue for us?" And another uncle said, "Good idea! We can form a group! We can wear same color shirt! Blue! Red! No, green!"
And another aunty says, "Can we have ceramah and free vouchers?" And just like that, in 15 minutes, with one teh tarik and two roti canai kosong, we invented political parties all over again.
Because that is the real curse. A Malaysia without politicians could be peaceful, efficient, rich, and we could finally save enough money to give free Nasi Kandar Kuah Banjir to everyone.
But maybe a Malaysia without politicians would also be missing something priceless? Something to whine and complain about at the kopitiam every evening.
ENDS
By
Sam Trailerman
Disclaimer: This is simply a humorous, fictionist write up, not meant to break any politicians' heart.
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