Image Credit: Unsplash - Dominik Lange
A story from Chinese literature titled 失孝记 (“The Filial Son Who Lost His Mother”) tells of a man named Wu Meng who was a student of Confucianism during the Eastern Han Dynasty. One day, while Wu Meng was away from home studying with his master, his mother passed away. The news broke Wu Meng and he mourned her death. However, although he was stricken with grief, he did not return home for the funeral as he believed that filial piety was better expressed through devotion to his studies and his master.
When Wu Meng’s master found out, he was enraged and disowned Wu Meng as a disciple. How dare Wu Meng not return for his mother’s funeral! Fortunately, Wu Meng eventually gained back his master’s favour by burning incense at his mother’s grave.
Honestly, this story made me take pause. Through the lens with which I was raised, I think: wasn’t it more practical for Wu Meng to study and remain with his living master? Showing up for the funeral, burning incense, offering sacrifices — that’s for the benefit of the bystanders, not for his mother herself.
In my humble opinion, filial piety should be practical.
The story of Wu Meng came to mind when I read an article in Malaysiakini.
According to Malaysiakini’s reporting, “the government plans to enact a Senior Citizens Act to better protect and empower the elderly as the country moves towards becoming an ageing nation by 2030”.
“In relation to that, the ministry will examine the suitability of a law against children who are not filial to their parents in the Act to increase the public’s awareness on taking care of senior citizens,” said Aiman Athirah Sabu, the Deputy Women, Family, and Community Development Minister.
Aiman said this in response to a question about whether the government intends to deduct the salaries of children who send their parents to nursing homes. She goes on to say they “welcome suggestions to introduce such a law for children capable of taking care of their elderly parents but shirk their responsibility”.
What a giant ball of conflated points, but let’s go straight to the heart of the matter: apparently, filial piety means keeping your elderly parents at home with you. Sending them to a nursing home equals shirking responsibility.
Having your elderly parent live with you is a romantic notion, but the situation is nuanced.
For example, what about people with young children? Hats off to those who successfully juggle between baby diapers and adult diapers, but not everybody have that bandwidth. Now add a full-time job to the equation.
Image Credit: Unsplash - Kseniya Safronova
Speaking of full-time jobs, care for the elderly transcends just three meals on the table and a roof over their head, especially if the elderly parent has a medical condition. Making sure they take their medicine, monitoring their health, and tending to their medical needs — it might not seem like a lot on paper, but it is. Let’s take it up a notch and imagine a bedridden parent.
But even if the elderly parent is healthy and there are no little ones running around, the children could be busy people. They might have a career or other time-consuming commitments. This leaves the elderly ones at home alone, maybe with a maid. The alternative is a nursing home full of friends.
Otherwise, there might simply be not enough space in the house for another person. For instance, when you live in a tiny studio apartment with just enough space for a kitchen, a toilet, and a sofa that doubles as a bed/dining table/workstation, accommodating another warm body is just not an option. Or it could be a family with children living in a two-bedroom residence.
And then there is the taboo reason — toxic parents, consistently unpleasant to be around. Hanging around them is a jeopardy to the children’s mental health. For example, I once met a parent who calls their child derogatory names. Imagine living under the same roof with somebody who disrespects you daily. Think about how that will gnaw at your confidence.
Image Credit: Unsplash - Harry cao
There are so many reasons why a person might choose not to live under the same roof as their elderly parents. Putting your parents in a nursing home is not abandoning them.
In many cases, putting your parents in a safe and comfortable nursing home is actually healthier for them — they are well-fed and well-cleaned. There is adequate attention from healthcare professionals and the company of their peers. And most importantly, instead of an exhausted, distracted offspring, the elderly get a better-rested, engaging child who made the special trip to spend quality time with their parent in the nursing home.
It’s great if you have the means to house your elderly parents yourself, but if it’s stressing you out, causing tempers to flare, and stretching your manpower resource, it might be more practical to outsource the care for your parents’ physical welfare. Everybody’s mental welfare will be better for it.
Filial piety should be practical.
No, this is not sponsored content by a nursing home.
Chow Ping Lee is a content creator under the Newswav Creator programme, where you get to express yourself, be a citizen journalist, and at the same time monetize your content & reach millions of users on Newswav. Log in to creator.newswav.com and become a Newswav Creator now!
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