Marriage is not an escape route, a status symbol, a joke or a promise sustained by puppy love.
By Dr. Amarjeet Singh @ AJ
The wedding is over.
The guests have gone home. The flowers are fading. The photographs look beautiful.
But somewhere behind a closed door, someone is crying beside the person who promised to love them.
Outside, everyone says, “What a lovely couple.”
Inside, one person wonders, “Did you marry me because you loved me—or because I fitted the picture you wanted?”
Perhaps they were the acceptable choice. Perhaps their income offered security. Perhaps marriage provided an escape from family pressure. Perhaps their partner wanted someone to accompany them to events, manage the household and make life look complete.
But did anyone consider the person being asked to fill all those roles?
Their hopes? Their fears? Their right to be heard?
Before asking someone to build a future with you, understand the responsibility of becoming part of theirs.
Marriage should never become an escape route from problems you refuse to face.
Problems at home. Pressure from relatives. Loneliness. Financial uncertainty. The fear of being left behind while friends get married.
These struggles deserve attention. But marrying someone does not automatically resolve them.
You may leave your parents’ house while carrying its anger, suspicion and unhealthy habits into another home.
You may escape loneliness temporarily while remaining unable to communicate.
You may gain financial support while avoiding responsibility for your own decisions.
Your partner can stand beside you through difficulties. They should not discover after the wedding that their entire purpose is to rescue you from the life you never explained honestly.
Ask yourself: am I choosing this person, or choosing what I hope they will help me escape?
The answer matters because another human being will live with its consequences.
We all bring history into relationships. Nobody arrives untouched by disappointment.
Some carry rejection. Others carry insecurity, grief or fear of abandonment.
You do not need to become flawless before loving someone. But you must recognise when your pain begins hurting the person beside you.
If someone betrayed you previously, do you now question every friendship your spouse maintains?
If you grew up around shouting, do you repeat it whenever challenged?
If you fear being left, do you attempt to control someone so completely that they have no room to breathe?
Your history deserves understanding. Your behaviour still requires accountability.
A partner can support your growth. They cannot do all your growing for you.
Then there is the excitement we sometimes mistake for preparation.
The messages. The late-night calls. The butterflies. The feeling that nobody has ever understood us this well.
Enjoy those moments. But give yourself time to know the person beyond them.
Have you seen how they handle disappointment? Can they admit a mistake? Have you discussed money, children, work, religion and responsibilities?
Can you disagree without fearing punishment?
Teenagers and young adults deserve respect for their feelings. But strong feelings alone cannot organise a household, resolve conflicting expectations or teach someone how to behave under pressure.
Puppy love may begin the story. Marriage requires both people to keep learning after the excitement settles.
And one of the first lessons is this: a spouse is not something you own.
“That is my wife.”
“That is my husband.”
Those words can express love and belonging. But what does “my” mean to you?
Someone whose wellbeing matters deeply?
Or someone whose choices you believe you now control?
Your partner is not a toy you purchase, put your name on and declare, “Mine forever.”
A wedding ring does not erase individuality.
They still have opinions, ambitions, friendships, boundaries and the right to disagree. They can love you while needing privacy. They can remain committed while wanting time with friends or opportunities to develop.
Marriage asks you to consider each other.
It does not entitle you to silence each other.
Being trusted with someone’s heart does not give you ownership of their life.
Yet some people seem more interested in displaying a marriage than living responsibly within it.
Dress nicely. Smile for the photograph. Attend the function. Sit beside me. Let everyone see that we are happy.
Then comes the drive home.
A cruel comment. An accusation. A conversation shut down.
Imagine being praised in an anniversary caption while feeling unwanted in your own bedroom.
Imagine watching your spouse become affectionate when guests arrive, knowing that warmth may disappear when the door closes.
A partner should not have to perform happiness to protect your reputation.
They are not a trophy in a cabinet, brought out for weddings, dinners and family gatherings.
What is the value of showing the world your partner if you refuse to see them yourself?
Before posting another photograph, ask whether the person beside you experiences the love you are describing.
Do you listen when there is no audience?
Do you respect their opinion when it differs from yours?
Do you share responsibilities—or simply expect service?
Do you care about their happiness beyond how it makes you look?
There is nothing wrong with being proud of your marriage. Let that pride come from the way you treat each other.
The person in the photograph has to live with you after everyone stops looking.
And that life includes ordinary, difficult days.
Unexpected expenses. Illness. Ageing parents. Unemployment. Exhaustion. Children who need attention when both adults feel drained.
Sometimes your partner will struggle. Sometimes you will.
What happens then?
Can someone say, “I am frightened,” without being mocked?
Can they admit, “I need help,” without having that vulnerability used against them later?
A person who loses employment has not automatically lost their willingness to contribute. A person overwhelmed by caregiving has not become lazy.
Discuss what is happening. Agree on responsibilities and practical actions.
Compassion does not remove accountability. It makes an honest conversation possible without destroying dignity.
Money needs that same honesty.
What debts exist? What support goes to parents? What lifestyle is affordable? What happens if income falls?
A lavish wedding cannot answer these questions.
Earning more does not purchase the right to humiliate your spouse. Earning less does not excuse secrecy, reckless spending or refusing reasonable responsibility.
You cannot keep demanding financial security while avoiding every discussion about how to build it.
Nor can you call yourself a provider while using every payment as evidence that your partner owes you obedience.
A household needs contributions that are understood, appreciated and reviewed as circumstances change.
So does its daily workload.
Someone remembers appointments, notices empty cupboards, checks school messages and plans tomorrow before today is finished.
If that person must also instruct everyone else, they remain responsible even when others occasionally “help.”
Look around your home.
What needs doing? What can you take responsibility for without waiting to be asked?
Care becomes visible through completed tasks, kept promises and burdens shared.
It also becomes visible during disagreement.
Anger does not make every response acceptable.
Insulting someone’s intelligence, appearance, family or income can leave wounds long after the original argument has ended.
Ask yourself what you want to achieve.
An explanation? A change? An apology?
Or the satisfaction of making your partner feel smaller?
Speak about what happened and what needs to change. If you are overwhelmed, pause and agree when to return.
Do not turn silence into punishment.
And when you apologise, give the apology somewhere to go.
“I said sorry. What more do you want?”
Perhaps they want the behaviour to stop.
Perhaps they have heard the same words after the same humiliation too many times.
An apology asks for another opportunity. Changed behaviour gives that opportunity meaning.
Family relationships also need care and boundaries.
Parents and relatives can offer warmth, guidance and invaluable support. But your spouse should not feel permanently outnumbered in their own marriage.
Discuss what stays private, how decisions are made and what support you can realistically provide.
Respecting elders does not require allowing them to insult the person sharing your home.
Equally, protecting your marriage should not become an excuse to isolate a partner from everyone who cares about them.
Work towards arrangements that preserve dignity on both sides.
Children deserve particular protection.
Do not bring a child into a troubled marriage hoping parenthood will make someone faithful, responsible or gentle.
A baby needs care. A baby cannot negotiate peace.
When children are already present, keep them out of adult disputes.
Do not recruit them as messengers, witnesses or judges.
Do not tell them, “I stayed miserable because of you.”
They need dependable care and reassurance that the conflict is not theirs to resolve.
Their childhood should have room for learning, friendship and joy—not constant responsibility for the emotional temperature at home.
Consent and personal boundaries also remain essential within marriage.
Your partner should be able to refuse physical intimacy without threats or accusations.
They should be able to express discomfort, question a decision or request space.
If someone agrees only because they fear your reaction, examine the atmosphere you have created.
Can your family relax when you arrive?
Can a small mistake remain a small mistake?
Can your spouse tell you bad news without rehearsing how to prevent an explosion?
You may work hard and provide generously while making life beside you emotionally exhausting.
Ask what your presence feels like. Listen without immediately preparing a defence.
Commitment takes patience, but patience must never become a demand that someone endure violence, coercion or repeated humiliation.
A person leaving an unsafe relationship should not be accused of treating marriage as a joke.
Ordinary differences require discussion and effort. Harmful behaviour requires accountability, appropriate support and attention to safety.
Marriage deserves seriousness from both people, including the person whose actions are damaging it.
Before asking for forever, ask what you are prepared to practise today.
Honesty when the truth is uncomfortable.
Respect when you disagree.
Responsibility when circumstances become difficult.
Affection when there is no audience.
Someone has trusted you with the vulnerable parts of their life: their tired face, private worries, unfinished ambitions and hope that home can be a place of comfort.
Handle that trust carefully.
Your partner has a life to live beside you. Make room for that life.
When the guests leave, let kindness remain.
When the photograph is taken, let its warmth continue.
And when you say, “That is my husband” or “That is my wife,” let the person beside you feel the care those words promise.
By Dr. Amarjeet Singh @ AJ
Amarjeet Singh Sran (amarjeetsinghsran5@gmail.com) is a content creator under the Newswav Creator programme, where you get to express yourself, be a citizen journalist, and at the same time monetize your content & reach millions of users on Newswav. Log in to creator.newswav.com and become a Newswav Creator now!
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