At birth, all of us are placed into a family. We are given biological parents (and some, siblings) to love and nurture us so that we grow up into happy, confident and useful citizens. However, sometimes it does not happen this way. A family environment can turn toxic and cause a negative impact both on the individuals as well as the society.
We are all very familiar with the definition of family as the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children. But there is also another broader concept of family which I would label as a ‘real family’. A real family has nothing to do with bloodlines, ancestry or genes but everything to do with love, compassion, and support. A real family consists of the people who support and love you. They are the people we can confide in and trust. I would say that it is the actions of the people and our relationships that deserve the ‘real family’ status. As such, in a real family, there is no limitations to skin colour, culture or beliefs. There is always love, respect and trust.
Quoting Michael Tong, the recipient of the Exemplary Father Award 2024, being a father to someone doesn’t necessitate blood relations. Mr Tong, a Chinese Malaysian adopted three Muslim children nearly two decades ago. Today, the eldest boy, 29 years old is an entrepreneur.
In contrast, there may be many who unfortunately, find themselves in toxic families. What does this mean? In a toxic family, family members regularly display actions or words that hurt or otherwise negatively affect each other. Such actions may include parents who display a controlling or demanding attitude and overreact over small, or seemingly unimportant issues. The children often feel anxious due to the lack of consistency or security in the family, often resulting in self-criticism and low self-esteem. As a result, all in the family feel drained of energy as there is a lack of empathy or respect for boundaries, feelings and needs.
What then do we do? Unfortunately, most of us have been taught to just endure toxic behaviour from the people in our families or pretend it’s not happening at all. This can be really hard. So, we must decide for ourselves what we really want. We can distance ourselves and have fewer interactions or contact with toxic members. Instead, we choose to surround ourselves with people (relatives or friends) who make us feel good and uplifted.
Families of today are definitely different from those families half a century ago. Therefore, family boundaries and expectations must evolve accordingly. In this fast-paced world, we need to be bold to say, “No” at times and never be trapped in guilt trips. Let us all choose to be real and build real families.
Mei Wong
26 June 2024
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