STI testing after an affair can protect spouses during reconciliation, while parents can help a child’s character grow beyond charm, praise and attention.
Q: My husband recently ended an affair and we are now working towards reconciliation. While I believe he is truly sorry, the issue of testing for sexually transmitted infections (STI) has not been raised. Is this something he should consider doing?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: Both of you should get tested as soon as possible, and for several important reasons. The most obvious concern is that if your husband has contracted an STI, it could have serious implications for your health, as well as for the sexual dimension of your relationship.
This is particularly important for you because some STI can remain dormant without causing noticeable symptoms. It is critical to establish the facts as soon as possible and, if necessary, seek appropriate treatment to prevent further complications.
More broadly, when marital unfaithfulness has occurred, one of the most important part of the reconciliation process is the offending spouse’s willingness to take responsibility for and accept the consequences of his actions.
Those consequences can be physical and medical, as well as emotional and psychological. You cannot expect to fully rebuild your marriage unless your husband is prepared to confront and deal with all of them.
That said, the physical and sexual repercussions may ultimately be among the less important aspects of an affair’s aftermath. The emotional and psychological consequences are often far greater and can be much more difficult to resolve.
If you have not already done so, we strongly recommend that you and your husband begin a thorough course of counselling.
A good counsellor can help uncover unresolved issues in your relationship and guide both of you through the process of reconciliation and healing.
Q: Our four-year-old girl has a charming personality, and everyone has doted on her since she was born. She loves being the centre of attention and will “perform” on cue if given the opportunity. She is very cute but I am not sure this is entirely healthy. Should I be concerned, and what would you advise?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: We are sure she is a delight, but you are wise to take stock of the situation. At this stage, it is fun for everyone, but the danger is that she may grow up believing her value as a person lies in her cuteness and ability to perform, rather than in her character.
While she is still young and impressionable, encourage her to develop strong character traits. Make a conscious effort to praise qualities such as kindness, patience, selflessness, humility, gentleness, generosity and self-control.
Most importantly, model these qualities yourself and use everyday “teachable moments” to explain why they matter.
It would also be good to come alongside her and teach her the value of serving others, whether by helping her friends or donating some of her toys to a local orphanage.
It is worth noting that this “misplaced values” syndrome can extend well beyond the preschool years. It can become even more damaging as a child moves through primary and secondary school.
Many parents today push their children to get straight As, excel in competitive sports and master multiple musical instruments, all in the hope of getting them into a top university.
None of these pursuits is bad in itself. The problem arises when they become the chief measure of a child’s worth or the ultimate goal of childhood. Far better to help our children develop strong character traits that will serve them well for a lifetime.
This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. It provides a myriad of programmes and resources, including professional counselling services, to the community. For more information, visit family.org.my.
Comments: letters@thesundaily.com