TW: suicide
Four years ago, I was at a loss. A dead end. It was during the time where once again, everything was on a thin line; I was becoming desperate.
I was in a rough patch with my family, applied to so many places for an internship placement with very little time left because it was either I really find a place and start in time or risk a suspension. The latter, of course, was not the best option.
At first, I did not think too much of it, I kept the momentum going, applying to as many places as I could. The process of applying to companies for internship placement was quite enlightening on its own: I learned how to write a proper resume, learning what was necessary and what wasn’t, my strengths and weaknesses and much more.
I kept going, applying to as many places as I could while trying not to feel the tension of running out of time, and more so was the heavy weight of my mental health getting weaker and more vulnerable by the day.
One day, I attempted it, but maybe because of divine intervention or for whatever reason, what stopped me was a sudden text message from my sister asking me if I was okay when she saw me walking out of the house in tears, said to ‘Drive safe and be home safe’ – I stopped just in time to park at the side, broke down on the wheel for a good half an hour.
I won’t go into too much detail on this as it can trigger some unpleasant memories even though it already has for the sake of writing this piece (which I can forgive for a few reasons). The week after that, I was suddenly swamped with offers. It started with one email, then two to five emails each day and before I knew it, I was already booked for appointments for the whole week.
Gratefully, at the very last minute, I got offered an internship placement with a local radio station that has helped me become the person that I am today – while I still have so much to learn, so much to work on, I will never forget just how fruitful and meaningful that internship experience was.
However, I won’t deny that it was never easy working in the media industry. So much during my first month of internship, I almost thought of quitting because I was doubting how much I could handle and if I could even keep up.
On a Friday night when I was feeling at my lowest, suicidal thoughts started resurfacing, and the memory from that one night came back. I thought of calling a few friends I trusted, what held me back was not wanting to feel like an emotional burden. So I took another chance by calling a crisis hotline. It wasn’t so much that I was feeling the same way I did that night, but I knew I wanted one thing I was hoping could ground me: Not wanting to feel alone.
When I called the hotline three times, someone finally picked up. I still remember some parts of the conversation we had, I shared about most of my insecurities, the suicidal thoughts, what happened that night when I almost did it – not everything but most of it, by the time I was done with my rants, I heard the person crying on the other line instead.
It’s not that I didn’t cry because in truth, I have already cried so much before, I became too exhausted to cry again. I felt bad that I apologized to her for making her cry, what she said next was what I would always appreciate:
“No, Jasmine, I am crying because you have gone through so much and in the end, you choose to be here. You choose to stay, you choose to make this call and I am so glad you are here.”
I was perplexed but also felt this sense of gratitude that a complete stranger listening to another stranger’s plights and mental health struggles was expressing genuine joy for choosing to live.
It was then I realized just how difficult it is for volunteers of crisis hotlines to go through this willingly.
It was an experience I keep close to my heart because it was also partly an experience that really made me learn a few things, and would like to share on a few misconceptions about calling a crisis hotline or suicide hotline.
Here are a few things to take note of when calling a suicide hotline:
1. Do not rely on just one source
I have seen a few people commenting on how one hotline was engaged, they immediately concluded that it was ‘pointless’. While I do agree that there needs to be a continuous effort for awareness of more options for help, you do need to keep in mind that it is not the only source.
There are a few, but it does require active looking. The point here is: Do not give up just because you only find one source.
2. The volunteers for these hotlines are NOT professional help.
One of the bigger qualms I heard that people spoke about was how the volunteers of these hotlines do not give them the ‘help’ they need. I came across this one comment in social media some time ago that said: “If I wanted professional help, I wouldn’t call them.”
First of all, they are a suicide hotline, not a licensed therapist, psychologist nor psychiatrist.
As someone who has gone through both, they are different. So you need to ask yourself, as I would say to most people: What kind of help do you really need?
If you need a listening ear when friends and family are beyond reach, the crisis hotline helps to the best they can. If you need expert assistance beyond just a listening ear, a licensed therapist, a certified psychologist or psychiatrist would be able to help where they can.
3. It is okay to ask for help
As it goes, as always: It is okay to not be okay. We are human with emotions, surviving and managing as much as we can. This includes having to be more mindful and prioritizing our mental health.
Calling a suicide or crisis hotline may not give you the expert help you need and when you do need to seek expert help, you should. However, the kind of help that they can give can make a difference in helping you manage your struggles a little better.
Sometimes you can get another insight, but most times just knowing that someone is there for you, listening to you wholeheartedly as they provide that safe space for you can mean so much.
In the end, what matters most to you: is you.
You are not alone, you matter, you are loved.
If you need help, a listening ear or know someone who does to share these resources to, reach out to these Malaysian hotlines:
1. BEFRIENDERS KL
24-hour
Contact: +603-76272929
Email: sam@befrienders.org.my
2. TALIAN KASIH
24-hour
Contact: 15999
WhatsApp: +6019-2615999
Jasmine RCK is a content creator under the Newswav Creator programme, where you get to express yourself, be a citizen journalist, and at the same time monetize your content & reach millions of users on Newswav.
Log in to creator.newswav.com and become a Newswav Creator now!
Newswav is solely an aggregation platform and hosts the content. The views expressed and content above including media (pictures, videos, etc) were provided by the author. If you have any questions about the content, copyright or other issues of the work, please contact Newswav.
