I am a father of three and a grandfather of six. I think three children and six grandchildren are just about the right number to remember all their names. God is kind for not putting my memory to further test—at least for now!
With that, I believe I have a little credibility to talk about the role of a father, at least with the younger fathers, if not the older ones. I know there are many wonderful and great fathers out there, but I am confident to share this topic, as we are all works in progress—and we can certainly learn from one another.
The role of a father must go beyond just being a provider, ensuring financial security. It must also encompass emotional security, stability, peace, harmony, and joy in the family.
Speaking of responsibility, there are four “I”s in the word “responsibilities,” indicating that a father cannot take the “I” out of fatherhood and delegate everything to the mother. He too has roles and responsibilities to play in the development and well-being of his children.
And on this Father’s Day, allow me to share the four key responsibilities a father plays in the family—represented by the four “I”s: Illustrate, Illuminate, Inspire, and Influence.
The First “I” – ILLUSTRATE
There is no leadership more powerful than leadership by example. To illustrate is to exemplify our words through actions—to lead by example and put into action what we preach. We are only credible as fathers when we practice what we preach and preach what we are already practicing.
The greatest sense of security a father can give his children is to love their mother with care, honour, and respect. Violating this principle will instill fear in daughters that their future husbands may mistreat them, and it may influence sons to dishonour their own future spouses.
Imagine the fear and sense of insecurity instilled in children if they were to walk into a room and see their mother being shouted at or breaking down in tears.
To children, there is no greater trust and sense of security than witnessing how their father treats their mother. All the knowledge, wisdom, and advice on love cannot equate to the influence of a father’s loving actions toward their mother.
This emotional security is crucial to the well-being of our children. A good father does not merely tell his family he loves them—he shows it through consistent and committed behaviour.
The Second “I” – ILLUMINATE
To illuminate is to throw light on something so that it is better understood. As fathers, we must do all we can to illuminate and enlighten our children on things that are important, useful, and good.
I know what’s on most fathers’ minds (mothers too): in this age of the Big “D” (Digital), how do we captivate our children’s attention? Sometimes, it feels like we’re living in the Age of Distraction. How, then, do we win our children’s attention?
I always observe this phenomenon at conventions—before the event starts, everyone is chatting and ignoring the MC. But when the arrival of the VIP Guest of Honour is announced, everyone falls silent and starts listening.
So indeed, we as parents can become VIPs to our children. But in this case, VIP stands for Very Interesting Parents. We need to share things so engaging and relevant that they capture our children's attention.
That means we cannot just communicate outdated, boring, and irrelevant things. We must win over their eyes, ears, and minds. And how do we do that? Tell them something they don’t know, show them something they’ve never seen, and share with them experiences they’ve never had.
I tell my children stories they’ve never heard, take them to business conventions, and expose them to interesting people doing exciting things. I remember being the keynote speaker for Public Bank’s leadership seminar with over 1,500 participants from across Asia.
I brought my children to many of these seminars. I remember my daughter Jermaine once asked, “Dad, aren’t you afraid of facing such a big crowd?”
I told her that when I was a young boy, I suffered from a deep inferiority complex. But then I read The Power of Positive Thinking by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, a pastor from Marble Collegiate Church in New York. He suggested that whenever you're afraid, invite Jesus to sit beside you and believe that He is with you. With that faith, you can overcome fear and reach your full potential.
I told her that courage is not the absence of fear but moving forward in spite of it. And once we overcome our fears, we can achieve extraordinary things.
The Third “I” – INSPIRE
Many people know what to do, but don’t do what they know. I’ve come to realise that just telling our children what to do is not enough—we must inspire them.
The best way to inspire is to do things not reluctantly, but with joy and passion. My favourite line is, “What is learnt with pleasure is learnt full measure—and that is the true treasure.”
I always look for opportunities to share something positive and praise my children for things they do well. I believe in catching them doing the right things and celebrating those moments to inspire them further. When they realise, they can do one thing well, they gain the confidence to do many more.
For years, I encouraged my children to write a book. My eldest daughter, Jermaine, finally did it—she wrote Motherhood, which my company published and distributed to bookstores. I told my children it’s not just about writing a book. It's about attempting something that once seemed impossible and then realising it was possible after all. That epiphany can change their lives.
My second daughter, Jesslyn, once asked how I found the discipline to write 21 books. I told her that when you find passion in what you do, everything becomes easier. Because you do it consistently, you improve and eventually excel. She later pursued nursing in Brisbane after her business degree from Nottingham University. She graduated with high distinction from Queensland University of Technology, Australia. From arts to science—it was a tough switch, but passion made it achievable. Today she is a registered nurse working with Queen Elizabeth II Jubilee Hospital in Australia.
When my son Valenz was in secondary school, he struggled. He told me he might not be as smart as his sisters. I assured him that wasn’t true. I reminded him that we are all made in God’s image—not inferior, but capable. I told him: Believe in yourself. Learn everything you can. Go all out.
Then I took action. I moved him to an international school and engaged tutors for subjects he struggled with. I told him this would open doors to overseas education. He was inspired and he went all out. Not only did he pass his exams with flying colours, but he graduated with distinction from the University of Queensland. He worked at Bank Islam for 3 years before being headhunted by Maybank last year.
The Fourth “I” – INFLUENCE
A father’s influence is powerful—in shaping a positive family atmosphere and unity. Emotional security, peace, and harmony are key to the psychological well-being of our children.
The best way to prevent sibling rivalry is to be a mediator and harmoniser—treating all children fairly and with love. Each child is unique, but all are equally important. I tell them they are VIPs—Very Important Participants in the family.
A father should be a comforter and peacemaker. He should be magnanimous and rise above small conflicts. And when emotional differences arise—especially from the mother—we must remember the sacrifices she has made. Carrying a child for nine months, going through labour, and countless sleepless nights deserve more credit than we give.
A father should understand that women, especially mothers, are God's most amazing creations, making a man’s life complete and fulfilled.
A father can exemplify the value that love conquers all. He must always look at the bigger picture—to foster a harmonious and happy family. Indeed, a happy wife, a happy life. A happy mother, happy children and family.
Happy Father’s Day.
About the Author:
Dr. Victor S.L. Tan is the Chief Executive Officer of KL Strategic Change Consulting Group. He undertakes consulting and training in strategic change, leadership, and organizational transformation. His book The Secret of Change was listed in the Malaysia Book of Records as the first motivational book written in rhymes. His company also won The BrandLaureate Award for making the most productive and profitable impact on organizations. He is the author of 21 books, including The Lessons of Success of Tan Sri Dr. Teh Hong Piow, the late founder of Public Bank Berhad. He can be contacted at 012-390 3168 or via email at victorsltan@klscc.com.
Dr Victor SL Tan (victorsltan@klscc.com) is a content creator under the Newswav Creator programme, where you get to express yourself, be a citizen journalist, and at the same time monetize your content & reach millions of users on Newswav. Log in to creator.newswav.com and become a Newswav Creator now!
The User Content (as defined on Newswav Terms of Use) above including the views expressed and media (pictures, videos, citations etc) were submitted & posted by the author. Newswav is solely an aggregation platform that hosts the User Content. If you have any questions about the content, copyright or other issues of the work, please contact creator@newswav.com.