Dear Vix,
I know it’s only September, so maybe it’s too soon to be worrying about this – but I really, really don’t want to spend Christmas with my sister and her husband.
We always have the whole family together at Christmas: mum and dad, kids and grandkids and cousins and pets and boyfriends and girlfriends… it’s a massive family tradition and means a lot to everyone, so there’s no way of escaping it. But I just can’t be around him, because he’s awful.
He’s sneering and arrogant and pigheaded and we clash massively: we can’t talk about politics (he’s very right-wing and is a big Trump supporter). If any of the women in the family start talking about something innocuous, like clothes or fashion or our nails or whatever, he’ll roll his eyes or laugh or make some kind of belittling comment to the other men in the room about us. He makes racist and sexist “jokes” constantly and doesn’t care that it makes everyone uncomfortable. My sister, meanwhile, is oblivious. I have no idea what she sees in him. She just says I don’t get it and that I “don’t understand him” like she does. She says he’s got a “good heart”. And once, when we argued about him, she told me I was “jealous” of her relationship! As if! I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with a pig like him!
It’s got to the point where the temperature feels like it drops as soon as he enters the room. My mum and other sister can’t stand him either. Dad doesn’t get it and says we just need to get along for my sister’s sake, and that he “makes her happy”, but it’s honestly making me dread Christmas this year. How on earth should I handle him?
Dreading It
Dear Dreading It,
My sympathies. It can be very hard to understand what our friends see in people, particularly when they’re so obviously offensive and unpleasant – at least, to us. Reading your email made me think about the Sharon Horgan TV series Bad Sisters, in which Claes Bang played an odious, controlling brother-in-law too. One of the most uncomfortable moments for me, watching, was the way he treated one of the sisters behind his wife’s back – the terrible things he said when nobody else was listening.
In your case, your brother-in-law appears to be very comfortable saying terrible things in front of everyone else, and this makes it both easier and harder for you. Harder, because you can’t stand him and don’t want to have to choose between holding your tongue and causing an argument (let alone risk hurting your sister or forcing her to take sides) – but easier too, because it’s in plain sight and can’t be ignored.
I am a bit of a mouthy one myself, so please bear that in mind when I give you my advice: take it as a blessing that this man doesn’t hide who he is and that he makes these outrageous “jokes” and comments where everyone can hear them. He is revealing himself and what he really thinks, and he will no doubt try to pass it off as “banter”, but we don’t have to let him.
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I would encourage you not to hold back when he says something uncomfortable and offensive, actually. I don’t believe in letting racist and sexist comments go by and letting them be absorbed by the room – I think that lends those views a veneer of respectability and harmlessness, when they’re anything but. He needs to know that what he’s saying is rude and disrespectful. He needs to know it’s not a “joke” and it’s not funny.
But we also know that we rarely change people’s views when we lecture them, so I’d keep it extremely simple: the next time he makes a passing snide comment, or makes an off-colour “joke”, look at him directly, and with surprise, and ask him in a clear (but not aggressive) voice: “Oh, what made you say that?”; or, “Why is that funny? I don’t get it.” You can also try the classic, “I don’t understand why that’s funny – can you explain it to me?”; or even simply, “I don’t follow.”
In my experience, the person always knows what they’re saying is inappropriate and they absolutely hate being called out for it. But the delicious thing about doing it this way is that you’re not attacking them (at least overtly). You’re simply asking them to explain their thought process. It’s an innocent question (with an edge).
Let’s be clear: your brother-in-law won’t like it very much! But at least it’s not a full-blown row – this way, you’re protecting your sister from conflict, whilst making it very clear that you’re not prepared to sit back and do nothing while the entitled man in the room punches down. I’d applaud you for it. Let me know how it goes.
And a final word – if you don’t want to spend Christmas in that environment, this year, then don’t! I always advocate for people doing what will fulfil them and make them feel calm and happiest, at Christmas. If you have friends or a loved one to spend it with – or even if you simply fancy doing it alone – then speak to your parents and your sister privately and tell them why. That way, you’re not putting any pressure on them to act – but you’re still honouring yourself.
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