Voices: I’m in a custody battle with my ex

Dear Vix,

I was in a relationship with my ex for nine years. About a year into the relationship, he began suggesting that we get a dog. Unfortunately, once the puppy novelty wore off, he lost interest and the responsibility became entirely mine.

Over time, the relationship became abusive and I left in December 2023 and took the dog with me. My ex wanted to continue seeing her and suggested we “share” her. Initially, I agreed. In February 2024, just two months after we split up, I dropped her off at his house so he could have her for a few days. When I went to collect her, I discovered that he had a new girlfriend and she’d already moved in. In the heat of the moment, I told him he would never see the dog again. His response was, “Well… your dog, your rules.” That comment has stayed with me ever since.

He didn’t contact me again until 15 months later. At that point, he asked if he could see her. I declined because she had been living solely with me for more than a year. I had been entirely responsible for her, and she was settled and happy in her new home. His response was, “If I can’t have her, then that’s fine,” and that was the end of the conversation.

I didn’t hear from him again until August 2026, when he asked to see her once more. This time, he suggested meeting up with me present rather than taking her overnight. I declined again, explaining that he had once again gone around a year without contacting me and that she was settled. I didn’t want to cause her unnecessary confusion by repeatedly bringing him in and out of her life.

He never replied – and this is where I’m struggling. How long is this going to continue? Is he simply going to contact me once a year asking to see her, only to disappear again when I say no? I’ve worked hard to rebuild my life after the relationship, and every time he contacts me about the dog, I feel as though I’m being pulled back into something I desperately want to leave behind. But another part of me feels guilty that he hasn’t seen her in more than two years. She’s almost 11 and I know she won’t be around forever.

At the same time, I can’t help feeling that if seeing her really mattered to him, he would have made more of an effort. Am I being unreasonable by keeping the boundary that I have, or am I letting my guilt make this more complicated than it needs to be? And, ultimately, what do I owe him when it comes to the dog?

Dog Lover

Dear Dog Lover,

I’m going to be really blunt and give you my honest, first reaction: I don’t think this is about your (lovely-sounding) dog at all – for either of you.

You mentioned a history of emotional abuse in your email (which I sadly had to trim down for brevity); this sounds like it went on for an awfully long time – eight out of the nine years you were in your previous relationship.

And I am concerned that even though you have left the situation you were in – and bravo, because that is exceedingly difficult in situations of coercive control, which do often spread to affect children, pets and other family members – it’s still continuing today; just in a different form from before.

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Namely: your ex appears to still be attempting to exert control over you, by claiming he wants to see the dog – and by keeping his contact with you intermittent, sporadic and unpredictable. What that form of contact tells me is that he wants you constantly on the back foot, wondering if – and when – he might “pop up” again.

And, just as it’s been long enough that you are over it – “settled and happy”, as you put it yourself – he returns without warning. I feel for you, because your stress levels when his name appears suddenly in your inbox must be sky-high.

His latest message, in which he has pooh-poohed the idea of having the dog overnight – and wants you to be “present” during a meeting with him – betrays that what he’s really after is power over you and access to you again. And I don’t want you to put yourself (or your dog) at risk – or to give him the satisfaction.

You’ve said it yourself: if seeing the dog really mattered to him, he would have made more effort; not just when he lived with you both (you have already mentioned that he eschewed all responsibility and you had to pay for everything, including food and vet appointments) but also in the last two years of separation.

His sporadic, annual contact – not to mention the fact that he’s moved on with a new relationship and had a baby – doesn’t show a man who’s pining badly for the dog he loved. To me, it seems much more likely that he wants to keep you on a hook to prevent you from moving on fully with your life. He still wants control over you – and he’s using the dog as a foil.

I appreciate your worries over your dog’s age, but you do not need to feel any unnecessary guilt here, I promise you. You owe him nothing. You have been the only “parent” your dog needs. Now you need to “parent” yourself, too – and stay away from your ex (I’d also block him so he can’t message again next year – because he will, as long as you let him get away with it).

Do you have a problem you would like to raise anonymously with Dear Vix? Issues with love, relationships, family and work? Email dearvix@independent.co.uk

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