THE newly minted Senate president was in trouble. The 13-to-9 lead that gave him the top post had been whittled down to 13 to 11, when two senators who had abstained during the leadership vote declared themselves to be members of the minority bloc.
Worse, “Bato,” the fugitive senator who cast the decisive vote, was now in hiding after the new Senate president helped him escape agents of the law who were trying to arrest him for crimes against humanity. If he could not go to the Senate to vote, the lead would get cut further to a razor-thin 12 to 11.
“We need Bato to vote,” he told a member of the new majority bloc, a lawyer who people referred to as “Bigwig” behind his back.
“Let’s just amend the Senate rules so that any absent senator can still cast his vote using Zoom,” Bigwig said.
“That’s right. If other people can work from home, why can’t we?” said another majority member, Robindude, Bato’s caregiver in recent days.
Encouraged, Bigwig continued. “We were able to do it during the Covid-19 pandemic. Why can’t we do it now? The technology is available! We should have the flexibility to allow online voting whenever a member has a justifiable reason — such as security threats, physical blockades or legal impediments — that prevents him from reaching the Senate building.”
“I agree, but please lower your voice,” Robindude told Bigwig, covering his sensitive ears. “I know you’re excited but there’s no need to shout.”
Bigwig bristled and shot back. “The problem with you is that you have no legal background.
The Senate president, aka Jesus Christ’s ambassador, interjected. “Guys, let’s not bicker among ourselves. As the Bible says, “How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity!’”
“Amen!” said another senator who, as the son of a televangelist, had a monopoly on invocations at the Senate. Given that he, too, was facing plunder charges, the discussion had piqued his interest.
Robindude said, “Isn’t the Middle East war enough reason to declare a force majeure? Or tensions between Taiwan and China? These are valid excuses — err, I mean reasons — to allow senators to vote online.”
“Yes, and it will benefit you, too,” Bigwig said. “After all, the police say they’re going to file obstruction of justice charges against you for helping Bato.”
“How about you?” Robindude retorted. “They’ve filed plunder charges against you, too. You, too, preacher! And there are two more among us in the same boat. We’re all in this together!”
The religious senator raised his voice to be heard. “You don’t speak for all of us! You’re the one aiding and abetting a fugitive from justice. 1 Timothy 5:22 says do not take part in the sins of others; keep yourself pure.”
“Amen!” the pious Senate president said — until he realized that he, too, was guilty of the same sin.
“Stop shouting, or I’ll file an ethics complaint against all of you,” Bigwig said. “I’m a lawyer, you know!”
Checking his watch, Robindude said: “I have to go. Anyone want a ride?”
At this point, the Senate president’s sister, also a senator, started crying. “We’ve known each other for 10, 20 years, and none of you bothered to check if I’m OK?!” she said.
The others stared in disbelief.
“Gentlemen, gentlemen! We are pushing these changes in the Senate rules for the good of the nation. I take offense at any insinuations to the contrary,” the Senate president said.
* * *
This exchange is imaginary, but sadly, it doesn’t stray far from the outrageous, chaotic — and almost surreal — developments in the Senate these days. We do take offense, Mr. Senate president, that you harbored and protected a fugitive from justice so he could vote for you. We do take offense that you want to break decades of Senate tradition and constitutional principles, just so members of your majority bloc can still vote to protect your interests if they are arrested. We do take offense, too, that six members of your majority bloc face the prospect of criminal prosecution — one for crimes against humanity, four for plunder and one for obstruction of justice. Under these circumstances, online voting for them wouldn’t be simply a case of working from home. “Work from jail” is more like it.
