My grandma has been undergoing dialysis treatments for the last 1.5 years, and her overall health has massively declined versus when she first started. We think this might be her last CNY with us.
Somewhere in mid-2024, we were all still happily taking a family vacation to Bukit Tinggi, Pahang for a simple staycation. Over three days, we laughed, walked, and admired the greeneries of Pahang, which is a magnificent sight to see for those from KL who spend their days within the concrete jungle. We ate whatever we wanted.
While we were there, someone casually mentioned grandma's upcoming medical checkup that's to happen in the coming week. Just a reminder, that's about it. We didn't expect that that would be the last time she ever had the energy to truly step out of the house, much less enjoy a family vacation.
From the medical checkup, we learned that her kidney was failing, and it's at the last stage where recovery is almost impossible. The only thing we can do is to put her on dialysis to give her more time - a process that now happens every other weekday, three times in the span of one week. Four hours each session minus the time taken to and from the hospital. Other than that, there are the other restrictions to take care of; not too much water consumption, having to of course eat balanced meals to ensure that her weight remains healthy despite the dialysis.
But when you're being told that you can no longer enjoy your favorite foods, and your days are now confined to staying around home as you'll need to visit the dialysis center every 2-3 days, it's understandable that one starts losing the will to truly live, especially with this quality of life - and that's what happened with my grandma.
She lost most of her appetite and refuses to eat most meals served to her, reducing her weight to the lower end of 30kg. Physically, she's all skin and bones. Her mind, too, has deteriorated - sometimes she can't recognize us, and sometimes she just prefers answering ‘I don’t know' to avoid having to think.
It feels as if she's waiting… for the inevitable. Somehow, she's still holding on, and we're all truly grateful for that despite being absolutely exhausted by her stubborn behaviour. Time passes when you're occupied, and it's been 1.5 years of this cycle. We're not sure how much more she can take.
When the life that you see in front of you is so fragile, you start to appreciate whatever time you have left, both alone and with them. We set our morning alarms expecting to wake up the next day, but tonight might be all the time that we have left. When you realise you might not even have tomorrow, you start to look at life with more meaning. If you only had today left, what would you do?
If we only had this CNY left with grandma, who's been here for the last 26 CNYs I've had, what would we do? We'd try our best to spend more time with her… even though she barely responds now. We'd cook a full meal, incase this is her last time enjoying a CNY spread. We'd include her participation in our CNY games (you know la), to create memories with her incase this is really the last time she'll be physically present with us during CNY.
We can do only so much and hope she'll still be here during CNY in 2027. However, we also know that that's not in our hands, and is way beyond us. So this year, we're exhausted, but we'll still make the best out of whatever time we have left together.
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