M.Krishnamoorthy
A media coach, adjunct professor and author
While studying in the United States (1979 to 1983), I experienced many problems, such as culture shock, intimate relationship problems and missing my family in Malaysia.
Having been a trained Befrienders telephone counsellor before I departed Malaysia, I thought I was prepared to take on the world. This was a far-fetched preconceived notion. I could cope with the psychological problems of disagreements and arguments naturally in relationships only to some extent. Yet, it was tough, with different girlfriends from different nations and cultures.
Thanks to the psychology-related classes I attended at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville, I gained some knowledge and experience in group therapy classes. With a lot of difficulty, I managed disputes with girlfriends. All that I was interested in was happiness. Meditation, yoga and networking significantly impacted me by having healthy relationships.
According to my university psychology lecturers, pleased couples approach disagreements differently than those who struggle to maintain harmony.
Recently, I came across an article written by Kiran Athar published in HackSpirit on “10 things delighted couples to do things differently when they argue.
Kiran is a freelance writer with a degree in multimedia journalism. She enjoys exploring spirituality, psychology, and love in her writing.
Here are 10 things they do differently to stay cool and maintain good relationships, according to Kiran.
1) Focus on the problem, not the person
A tactic commonly used by happy couples is separating the issue from the person.
By doing that, they avoid attacking each other personally, which could build up resentment over time.
“Attacking the problem – and not your partner – creates a healthy environment conducive to sharing at a deep, effective level. By focusing on the problem, you can actually work towards a solution.”
Neither partner needs to become defensive when blame isn’t part of the equation.
And without those two factors, it’s much easier to resolve an issue without hurting the other person.
2) Actively listen
Another essential thing happy couples do differently in arguments is listen to each other.
This means they:
- Give their full attention (no glancing down at the phone mid-conversation!)
- Avoid interrupting one another
- Ask follow-up questions for clarity
- Look out for non-verbal cues
Simply hearing what someone says isn’t always enough, especially if things are heated, and emotions fly wildly. That’s where actively listening helps – you’re making a conscious effort to hear the person and understand what they’re telling you.
Ultimately, it’s a win-win for both sides. You avoid misunderstanding the other person, and they feel heard and understood, which is exceptionally powerful when navigating conflict.
3) Use “I” statements
Earlier, Kiran mentioned the importance of not attacking your partner during an argument. “Well, this is something happy couples have mastered. Why?
Because their goal is to resolve the issue as fairly and quickly as possible. Not to cause hurt to one another.
That’s why they’ll often use “I” statements when explaining how they feel or what the issue is at hand.”
For example, rather than saying, “You never clean up after yourself,” they’d opt for:
“I feel stressed when the house isn’t clean. Let’s sit down and work out a schedule to tackle this problem.”
Notice the difference? With the first sentence (accusation, more like) the other person will no doubt get defensive and react accordingly.
Kiran noted that using the second option means no one feels attacked, and the couple can have a genuine, calm conversation about the problem.
4) Practice empathy
Empathy. It’s a word thrown around often, but for good reason.
When you’re empathetic, you can understand what someone else is going through, even if you’ve never experienced it.
“On holiday a few weeks ago, my husband was snappy on our first day there. I was initially quite hurt as we were meant to relax and have fun. But I took a minute and remembered that his wisdom tooth was playing up, he hadn’t slept well, and he was still getting over a horrible cold. I could have continued the argument and accused him of ruining our first day away, but I tried to be empathetic instead,” Kiran wrote.
Luckily, it defused the situation, he apologised, and we could enjoy the rest of our holiday.
As Kiran continues blazing ahead on her journey of self-discovery, she hopes to help her readers do the same. She thrives on building a sense of community and bridging the gaps between people.
5) Know when to take a break
Have you ever been in an argument that seems to have no end? You go around and around in circles, getting increasingly exhausted and frustrated.
Well, pleased couples avoid getting to that point.
Let’s be honest: When you’re that tired and upset, nothing you say to each other is conducive to resolving the argument.
6) Seek compromise
Ah yes. Kiran observed that compromise is a must in relationships. But here’s the thing:
“Happy couples don’t mind compromising. Rather than see it as a personal sacrifice and something to be resentful about, they view compromise as a tool to strengthen their connection. If one person insists on getting their way every single time, it can only lead to resentment and frustration.
7) Maintain respect
While we’re on the subject of mutual respect, this is something happy couples do differently when they argue – they keep it “clean”.
That means:
- Not losing control of their emotions and screaming at one another
- Not hurtling curse words or using derogatory language
- Not physically or emotionally abusing each other
And hey, getting to that level of calmness and respect in an argument is hard. Emotions can and do get in the way, and things are often said that can’t be taken back. But that’s something happy couples actively work on.
8) Remember the big picture
Sometimes, getting caught up in an argument or issue is easy. When we do that, we let it take over everything: our emotions, feelings towards the other person, and, importantly, how we resolve the problem. An unhappy couple might allow something small and trivial to blow out of proportion. If this happens frequently, it can easily lead to the relationship's downfall.
9) Use humor wisely
A joke can either reduce tension or make it one hundred times worse!
“Making snide, hurtful remarks, for example, then criticising the other person for being unable to take a joke will create even more problems and ultimately damage a relationship. Humour can only help you overcome conflict when both parties agree on the joke.”
That’s why pleased couples tread carefully when injecting humour into an argument. They decide when to use light humour or apologising by actively listening to their partner, reading their emotions, and displaying empathy. Stay quiet.
10) Apologise and forgive
And finally, couples who are truly happy and in love with each other don’t shy away from apologising.
In other words, they don’t let pride and ego take control!
“They own up to their mistakes, admit their faults, and actively try to improve for themselves, but also the betterment of the relationship, the unit, as a whole. And that’s not all…Happy couples are quick to forgive if their partner is genuinely sorry, of course. They don’t hold grudges or bring up arguments from five years ago. After all, what’s the point? This only creates more tension and makes it harder to move forward. The bottom line is that happy couples are all about moving forward, strengthening their connection, and making each other feel valued and loved.”
So, by using these techniques in their arguments, they ensure that conflict is a healthy part of their relationship, not something that harms or hurts more than necessary, concluded Kiran.
Freelance Writer M. Krishnamoorthy (www.imkrishna.net) is a media coach, adjunct professor and undercover journalist. He has freelanced with Bernama, NST, The Star, and Malaysiakini. He also freelances as a fixer/coordinator for CNN, BBC, German and Australian Television networks and the New York Times. As an undercover journalist, he has highlighted society's concerns.
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