We don't always realise it, but somewhere along the way, conversations about pain started turning into comparisons.
Someone shares that they lost a family member. Someone else replies with their own story of loss. Someone talks about work stress. Another person jumps in about how toxic their job is. And suddenly, what began as a moment of vulnerability becomes a silent exchange of “mine was worse” or “I've been through that too.”
But pain isn't a competition, and it was never meant to be one. The truth is, every experience is different. Even when two people go through something that looks similar on the surface, the emotions, timing, support system, and personal history behind it are never the same. Grief is not interchangeable, and stress is not identical. Struggles don't come in standardised versions either.
So when we quickly respond with our own story, even with good intentions, it can sometimes miss the point because in that moment, the person isn't asking to compare experiences. They're asking to be heard. Most people don’t need a “me too” story right away. They need space. They need someone to sit with what they’re feeling without turning it into a shared spotlight. They need words that acknowledge, not redirect.
Simple things like “That sounds really hard,” or “I’m sorry you’re going through this,” or even just “I’m here” can mean more than we think. Because those responses don’t shift the focus.
I used to think relating through my own experiences was a way of comforting others. But over time, I started noticing something uncomfortable: sometimes, in trying to connect, I was unintentionally taking space away from the other person's feelings. The conversation slowly stopped being about them, and became about comparison or similarity instead.
And maybe that's the issue. We often confuse relating with comforting, but they're not always the same thing. Comfort doesn't always require similarity; it just requires presence.
Personally, I've also experienced moments where I opened up about something difficult, only for the conversation to shift into someone else's story, and even if it wasn't intentional, it can still feel like your emotions were just a stepping stone for another narrative.
We don’t need to measure who suffered more. We don’t need to prove that we’ve been through something similar. And we don’t need to turn someone else’s vulnerability into an opportunity to talk about ourselves.
Because at the end of the day, empathy isn’t about winning the “who had it worse” conversation. It’s about making space for someone else’s experience without needing to compete with it.
Felicia Yoan (feliciayoan11@gmail.com) is a content creator under the Newswav Creator programme, where you get to express yourself, be a citizen journalist, and at the same time monetize your content & reach millions of users on Newswav. Log in to creator.newswav.com and become a Newswav Creator now!
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