You can make men's swimsuits expensive. You can make men's swimsuits rare. But you can not make men's swimsuits cool. These will always just be shorts of varying lengths — and that's okay.

I refuse to accept fashion's narrative that anything, everything can be uplifted into an object worth coveting. Some things are just things. And men's swimwear is just a thing, no matter how much you gussy it up.

You can't even compare it to women's swimwear. This is one of the rare moments in clothing where it's worth drawing gendered distinctions, because women's swimwear is enormously complicated, diverse, difficult, and dynamic. For better and for worse, it's a world unto itself.

Meanwhile, men's swimwear is just shorts.

Oh, sure, brands will try to tell you that their take on men's swimming necessities is something different.

Orlebar Brown, the upscale swim-trunk label owned by Chanel, fancies itself as something more, boasting about its trunks' sleek shape and side-tab adjusters borrowed from tailored trousers. And two recent campaigns showcasing two different collaborations between Speedo and Japanese retailer BEAMS are supremely well-styled, juxtaposing swim shorts, tights, goggles, caps, and towels against blazers and collared shirts. It's a compelling argument for men's swimwear looking cool — until you realize that the outfits look good in spite of the swimwear.

I can't say it enough: These are just shorts. Actually, they're not even shorts! These are leg-coverings made to be worn in and around water.

And that's okay. Men's swimming gear is simple because menswear is, at its core, simple. One of the beauties of playing around with menswear is in probing the grey area between tropes to uncover something actually interesting. T-shirt, jeans, and sneakers are simply too easy — truly stylish people make the sum worth more than the parts.

As we've discussed (quite frequently as of late!) shorts may be essential for surviving summer but they need not be boring. Wear 'em big, wear 'em weird, just don't wear 'em bland. But it makes plenty of sense for swim trunks to be better bland.

These things are not a treatise on style but an obligation. Fashion people may tell you that flex-worthy trunks are vastly superior to sloppier board-short styles but, honestly, I'd argue that the beach is the one place where Sandlercore is objectively appropriate. I ain't wining and dining anyone in the Hamptons — I'll leave the fancy swim pants concerns to folks who are.

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Let Men's Swimwear Be Boring

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