Should couples go AA? Should one person pay more or should one person pay for everything?
This question sounds simple, but somehow, it can start a surprisingly heated debate. Some people believe couples should split everything equally. Others think the person who earns more should naturally contribute more. Some believe that when you're in a relationship, especially when dating, the man should pay and then there are people who think, Why are we calculating everything in the first place?
But the more I think about it, the more I realise that the AA debate isn't really about a restaurant bill. It's about what we believe a relationship should look like.
Who should be the provider? How should responsibilities be divided? Should both people contribute the same amount? Does earning more mean you should pay more? And what happens when we start talking about marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, raising children, and taking care of a family?
Personally, I used to think that my partner should be the provider. I had this idea that if someone loved me, they should naturally want to pay more. To me, that felt like care. It felt like being taken care of. But I also realised something: my idea of what a partner is “supposed to” do isn't necessarily the same as yours.
Maybe you believe everything should be 50/50. Maybe you prefer 60/40, 70/30 or 80/20. Maybe you're comfortable with one person paying for most things. Maybe you want complete financial independence from your partner. Which one is right? Honestly, I don't think there is one answer because a relationship isn't a maths equation.
50/50 doesn't automatically mean fair, and 80/20 doesn't automatically mean unfair.
Imagine one person earns significantly more than the other or one person works longer hours while the other takes care of most of the household responsibilities. Are they really contributing “equally” just because they paid the same amount? At the same time, saying that relationships don't have to be 50/50 doesn't mean one person should endlessly give while the other only takes. Every relationship needs give and take. It just doesn't have to be exact same amount or even the same kind of contribution.
One person might contribute more financially. The other might contribute more time, emotional support, household work, planning, or care. What matters is whether both people recognise each other's efforts and feel that the relationship is fair to them.
So instead of asking, “ Should couples go AA?”, maybe we should be asking better questions. Do we have the same expectations for this relationship? What are we each contributing? Is someone's effort being taken for granted? Do we appreciate what the other person does? And most importantly, are we both actually happy with the relationship we've created? Because I don't think the problem is whether a couple goes to AA or not.
The problem is when two people enter a relationship with completely different expectations and assume the other person will simply understand. You might think, “ If you love me, you should pay.” Someone else might think, “If you love me, you should respect my financial independence.” What matters is not finding the “correct” formula. What matters is finding someone whose idea of love, responsibility and partnership is compatible with yours. Because at the end of the day, love should have give and take. Not necessarily 50/50. But it should never feel like one person is giving 100% while the other gives nothing.
Felicia Yoan (feliciayoan11@gmail.com) is a content creator under the Newswav Creator programme, where you get to express yourself, be a citizen journalist, and at the same time monetize your content & reach millions of users on Newswav. Log in to creator.newswav.com and become a Newswav Creator now!
The User Content (as defined on Newswav Terms of Use) above including the views expressed and media (pictures, videos, citations etc) were submitted & posted by the author. Newswav is solely an aggregation platform that hosts the User Content. If you have any questions about the content, copyright or other issues of the work, please contact creator@newswav.com.
