“Malaysia Was Always Home, Until Now,” shares M’sian dad

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Malaysian No More

I was born and raised in Malaysia. My kampung is Subang Jaya, SS18. I went abroad, studied, got a degree, a job and career. I met someone, fell in love, and have a family. Abroad. It took more than two decades to reach the decision point. I made the choice and last week, I received my new passport. Now, I’m back to file the paperwork and formally surrender my Malaysian citizenship.

Some will read this and call me a traitor. Some will assume it’s about money. The decision wasn’t as simple as wanting to leave Malaysia. A few people will ask “Why?” This is a thank you to those who ask that question.

I Don’t Hate Malaysia

Malaysia is not a terrible country. I don’t think everyone should leave. Malaysia has problems. Every Malaysian knows that. But those were not the reasons. I don’t think the country that gave me my childhood somehow failed me because I built my life somewhere else.

Malaysia is where I grew up. It’s where I went to school, made my first friends and started figuring out who I wanted to be. I still call people “brudder,” and “lah” still comes out once in a while. I still have opinions about where the best Subang Jaya nasi lemak is. I still complain when I come home and realise how bad the traffic has become.

My family is still here. When people ask me where I’m from, my response is always Malaysia. I didn’t leave because I wanted to get away from Malaysia. I left because I had an opportunity to study and then life happened.

Life Moved Elsewhere

When I first left Malaysia, I wasn’t leaving forever. I went abroad to study, get a degree, see the world, work abroad then bring that all home. I think many Malaysians who leave home for education have that conversation that ends with, “A few years, get my degree and then I balik.” Then you make friends, the years stretch, there’s an internship and that’s followed by a job.

Love and Family

This is probably the simplest reason I can give: I had a job, then fell in love. We built a relationship and my career took off. Somewhere along the way, I looked around and realized I had a partner, house, two kids, and four cats. My life and family are here.

That was a difficult sentence to write because Malaysia is still where my SS18 kampung is. But my family isn’t waiting for me in Malaysia. My family is waiting for me at home. And eventually, I had to admit something to myself.

There was no dramatic moment when home stopped being where I came from, and became where my life is happening. It happened slowly: One year, one birthday, one Christmas, one Raya and Chinese New Year away. Then I looked around and realised that my entire life was here. And Malaysia was the place I went back to visit.

Life Just Kept Moving

That’s probably the part some people will struggle to understand. You can love a place and leave it. You can miss a place and know that going back isn’t the right decision. You can call somewhere home while slowly building another home somewhere else.

For years, I kept telling myself I could always go back. Malaysia wasn’t going anywhere. My parents were there. My kampung too. I could return whenever I wanted. But wanting to return and actually being able to build your life around returning are two different things.

I Built My Career Here

When I left Malaysia, I was a student. Now I have decades of professional experience, and my career is not something I can pack in a suitcase and bring home. The opportunities that came after my first job came because of the work I had already done here. That’s how careers work.

Could I go back to Malaysia and find a job? Probably. Could I rebuild my career there? Maybe.

I didn’t spend years building a career overseas because I was trying to escape Malaysia. It’s just where the opportunities were. And I took them, and kept taking them. The question was: could I give up what I had to start over?

Money is a part of it. I do make more money here than I could in Malaysia. I’m not going to pretend money is not a part of this. I have financial responsibilities and returning would change the education I provide my children, and how comfortable retirement will be.

Returning Home Stopped Being a Simple Decision

I think this was the hardest thing to admit: I had spent years treating my life overseas as temporary. But there was nothing temporary about having a family, children and retirement plans here. I can’t keep pretending that I’m going back.

I imagined returning to Malaysia as “When the time is right I’ll buy a one-way ticket with two suitcases and a backpack.” But when? After my children have graduated? When my pets have passed? Retirement?

And I had to ask myself: Would that be fair? Would I be going home? Or would I simply be leaving one home for another?

Every year I stayed away, another part of my life became rooted here. The longer I stayed, the harder it became to leave because I had more to lose, more to risk. I realized the uncomfortable truth: I had already left, years ago. The only thing I hadn’t left behind was my citizenship.

I Had to Choose

When the possibility became real, I suddenly had a choice to make. I could continue living here as I was, or I could become a citizen. The honest answer is that I wanted both: my life here and my Malaysian citizenship. But that wasn’t a real option.

I didn’t sit down and make a list of pros and cons, of Malaysia versus home and then decide which one was better. I had to decide where my future was going to be. Malaysia is where I came from, and here is where my life is. Life took me somewhere I never expected when I first left Subang Jaya in 1999.

And after years of living and building, falling in love and raising my family here, I had to accept that this was no longer a temporary chapter in my life. My life is here.

Standing in a Different Immigration Queue

The passport is a red book and the MyKad is a piece of plastic. But I know surrendering both will mean losing something old and important, and a part of myself. I had to sit with the fact that next time I’ll be visiting, and not coming home the way I always had.

But being Malaysian has never felt like something that existed only in my passport because I grew up here. What makes me Malaysian is that I was born in PPUM, grew up in Subang Jaya. Sat the UPSR and PMR. I went to Port Dickson’s beaches, went up to Genting and Cameron Highlands. I experienced the wave pool at Sunway Lagoon. It’s nasi lemak for breakfast, chicken rice for lunch, and mamak at 2am.

A Malaysian Without Malaysian Citizenship?

Once the processing is complete, some people will say I am no longer Malaysian. Legally, they would be right. But I say that what makes me Malaysian is that I grew up here. Because identity is not as simple as having the right documents.

I wrote this because people who ask why deserve an honest answer: My family and my life are no longer in Malaysia. I have built a life overseas that I can’t realistically or practically abandon. I had to choose which country would legally be my home. So I did. I chose to give up my citizenship. Does that mean Malaysia has given me up?

I guess that’s the question I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to answer.