That some people think that they can shame or advice the people who want to boycott KK mart to drop their intentions to boycott KK mart is not only futile, it is also counterproductive and a big part of the reason why we have gotten to a point where KK Mart is likely going to face an existential crisis, although everybody, even the people that wants to boycott them out business, knows that what they did was likely just an inadvertent mistake.
The belief that we can shame a person into not doing what they intend to do but instead do what we want them to do is based on the premise that we are the superior person in relation to them.
In the relationship between parents and children or teachers and students or bosses and workers, this belief system might be applicable, because the view that a parent or a teacher or a boss is superior, tends to be accepted by the children, student and worker.
People will acknowledge us as being superior to them for two reasons. The first reason is that they need us more than we need them. The second reason is that they trust, respect and admire us.
It is not always the case that we will trust, respect or admire those who we need more than they need us. A business owner might need their customer more than their customer needs them or a worker might need their boss more than their boss needs them, but it is not necessarily the case that the worker or the business owner admires their boss or their customer.
When people need you more than you need them, you can shame them into doing what you want them to do. If you are a customer and you don’t like the product or services that you have gotten from a business owner, you can shame them on social media, for example, with the expectation that the business owner will apologize and compensate you. If you are the boss, you can also scold and shame your employee, and on the most count, your employee will likely take you shaming or scolding them without protest, and agree to stop doing whatever it is that you don’t want them to do, and do instead what you want them to do.
In both cases, it is not at all the case that the employee or the business owner will change themselves because they trust, respect or admire you. They don’t, because if the tables are turned, and it is they who end up being your customer or boss, you can’t expect to scold or shame them into doing what you want them to do anymore.
A person we admire is essentially a person we trust and respect. We trust them because we believe that they have good intentions towards us and we respect them because they are capable of doing difficult things.
People who are forgiving, generous, skillful or knowledgeable, are usually considered to be people who are worthy of respect, because being generous, skillful, forgiving or knowledgeable are difficult things to do. Not everybody can do it.
An example of a person we tend to trust and respect is usually our parents. Children tend to trust their parents because they tend to believe that their parents are so concerned about their wellbeing that they are even willing to put themselves in harms way for the sake of their children, and they tend to respect their parents because they are accustomed to receive the forgiveness and generosity of their parents as well as see their parents as skillful and knowledgeable.
When you see somebody as being superior because you admire, trust and respect them, they can scold you or shame you even when you don’t need them more than they need you. A parent who has earned a child’s respect, trust and admiration, for example, can still shame or scold their children, even when the child has become an adult and the parent has become old and frail.
When people neither trust, respect or admire you nor need you more than you need them, you actually cannot scold them, give them unsolicited advice or shame them.
You can’t, because if you do it, it is as if you are saying that you are superior to them, although they have no reason why they should see you as a superior.
It is likely because Malaysians are becoming such a self-absorbed society, that many of us are acting as if we are superior to others, although others have no reason why they should see us as superior to them, that issues like the KK Mart boycott are arising.
When you conduct yourself as a superior, simply because you just see yourself as a superior out of self absorption, you will have a tendency to find the fault of others, so that you will be able to indulge in your desire to see yourself as being better than others.
If you are not only self-absorbed, but you are proud as well, you might overindulge in your in your desire to see yourself as a superior and go overboard in finding the fault of others, because you will assume too conveniently that others will not be able to find your fault or that you can hide your intentions even if you are confronted by others over your self absorption, by concocting all sorts of excuses about how you are only finding their faults for their benefit or because you are concerned about their wellbeing or it is they are misunderstanding your gestures and expressions.
The first few times that you make others feel bad just because you want to feel good about yourself, others might not suspect you of being self absorbed, but as they say, the sun, the moon and truth cannot be hidden forever. Sooner or later, people will see through your intentions, and when they do, as soon as they are able to find your shortcomings, and they will always be able to find your shortcomings, because who in this world doesn’t have a shortcoming, they will just harp on it with the intention of making you pay for all the times that you made yourself feel good at their expense.
When they are harping on your mistake, to advise, scold or shame them into not harping on your mistake is just counterproductive, because the very fact you are reacting to their retaliation, will let them know that their retaliation is successful. When they know this, they will just exploit this knowledge and retaliate against you in a more intense manner.
The problem with Malaysians of every persuasion today is that we have become a very self-absorbed nation. In our self-absorption, we are deluding ourselves to believe that we are superior to others for no good reason, and by indulging in our delusions, we are finding the faults of others in order to make ourselves feel that we are better than them.
When all of us are finding others' faults in order to make us feel good about ourselves, the more we will end up becoming a country where the only way anyone can feel good about themselves is by making everybody else feel bad about themselves.
The more we become such a self absorbed country, the more issues like KK Mart will continue to arise, regardless of what our leaders, elders or intellectuals say.
This is the case, because in a self-absorbed country, there will be no one that is worthy of being respected, trusted or admired.
In such a country, no matter what a minister or an elder or an intellectual says, it will just fall on deaf ears, because these ministers and elders and intellectuals, are likely just fooling themselves into believing that others see them as superiors who have the right to give advice, when all that others see in them is another self-absorbed person who is likely just giving them advice because they are deluding themselves into believing that they are superior people.
Nehru Sathiamoorthy is the author of “While Waiting for the World to end”. He was a columnist at FMT and a frequent contributor to the South China Morning Post, The Star, Malaysia-Today, MalaysiaNow, MalaysiaKini and Focus Malaysia.
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