By Sam Trailerman
You know Perlis, right? It's okay if you don't. Even the weather forecast sometimes forgets too. "Sunny in Peninsular Malaysia," it says. Perlis is just there, hanging on for dear life at the top, like a fridge magnet that nobody dares to remove.
The only time KL remembers it exists is when MACC comes. Then suddenly the news says "Man in Arau arrested." Wah, famous. For five minutes, we are on the map. After that, we go back to being that state people drive through to go to Thailand.
I don't go to kopi stall. I make espresso at home. I bought a machine during MCO, because everyone else bought a machine. It hisses like a snake with asthma, needs cleaning, decaling, daily motivation talk, and it produces 40ml of coffee that I can finish in one angry slurp. If you do the math, each sip costs about RM3. Very good investment, like 1MDB but smaller and less illegal.
So my morning: espresso machine screaming, I sit in front of my desktop. Big screen, blue light, like a proper office man, reading the news. Or mews. Same thing nowadays — one day it's a cat stuck on a roof, next day it's a Tan Sri stuck in MACC headquarters. Same meow.
And every single morning, same headline, different font.
Another RM300 million gone.
Let me repeat it slowly for my bankrupt brain. RM300 MILLION. I attempted to visualize RM300 million. I logged into my tragic bank balance. I possess RM847.22 plus a fixed deposit that matures after my funeral. I logged out in capitalist horror!
This one is investment fund, alleged misappropriation. Alleged, that word is doing a lot of heavy lifting in Malaysia. Everything is alleged until the press conference is over. Then it becomes "we will fully cooperate."
Then tomorrow, another glorious headline. RM15.8 million frozen across 55 bank accounts. 55 accounts! I own one lonely account. When my balance dips below RM1,000, the bank emails me like a disappointed parent. This legend owns 55 accounts; each stuffed enough to buy a bungalow in Kangar without even blinking:
Then another. RM22 million in bribes, 36 top civil servants. Not kerani, not the guy who takes your parking coupon. Top. Management. Group. The ones who have meetings about integrity, who put "Integrity is our core value" on PowerPoint, font size 40, bold.
And my favorite: RM2.2 million worth of Rolexes. 23 Rolexes. Bro, you have two hands. Even if you wear one on each ankle, you still got 19 extra. What time are you trying to tell? Time to run?
If you add all the January drama only, January only ah, not whole year, it's about RM342 million. January. The month where we all say "New Year, New Me." Apparently for some people, New Year, New Scam.
And then MACC comes out with the polite number. From January to July, we recovered RM55.3 million. Recovered. Like we found it behind the sofa. RM342 million gone in January, RM55 million recovered in seven months. My mother also does better business. If I lose RM10 in pasar, she will find RM9.50, not RM1.50.
But if you want to feel really poor, look at the big numbers. MACC says from 2022 to September this year, they froze RM1.27 billion. Billion. And total, including 1MDB and all the greatest hits, RM37.53 billion seized and recovered. RM37.5 billion. I cannot even type that without my laptop lagging.
In Perlis, it’s very humble. Our MACC recovered RM698,255.55 since 2024. See? They even have 55 sen at the back. Very precise. Very Perlis. They don't do billions. They do six hundred thousand and put 55 sen to show they counted properly. The rest of Malaysia does billions, we do receipts.
Now the billion RM question: Wonder why the citizens don’t get tired of this?
Aiyah, we are tired. We are exhausted. We are just tired in a very Malaysian way that looks like not tired.
Monday, we are angry. We share in family WhatsApp group. "See! See! Another Tan Sri!" with 10 exclamation marks. An auntie replies "Kesian negara kita." One uncle replies with a Good Morning sticker with a tiger.
Tuesday, we become professors. "This is systemic failure of procurement governance framework and lack of institutional check and balance." Wah, suddenly everyone has a PhD from Face book comment section.
Wednesday, we forget. Because Wednesday, the TNB bill comes. RM180. Espresso beans finish. RM68 for 250g. My car needs servicing. The ikan kembung is RM19 per kilo. You cannot fry outrage for your kids. You fry ikan.
That is the trick, actually. The system made corruption so big, it became boring. If a boy steals RM50 from Tabung Masjid, we will chase him across the kampung with slippers. We will hold ceramah about moral decay. If a Tan Sri steals RM300 million, we say "Ala, again ah?" and swipe up. Because RM300 million is too big to be angry at. It's like being angry at the sun.
And we have learned a very useful skill: selective outrage with low battery.
We cannot afford to be angry every day. Anger needs energy. And energy is expensive now. So we save our anger for things we can win — like arguing about whether pineapple on pizza is okay.
Why don't we get tired? We do. We are tired of being tired. So we converted our tiredness into a hobby. We collect scandals like other people collect Hot Wheels.
"Eh, you got the RM300m Tan Sri one?"
"Got. I also have the RM15.8m 55 accounts one. Limited edition."
We sit in front of our desktops, espresso getting cold, reading the same news with different names, and we do what Malaysians do best — we sigh, we say "wah, besarnya," we minimize the window, and we go back to work.
Because if we don't go to work, who is going to pay for the next RM300 million?
We will. With tax. And another espresso.
Nganasegaran (tapessam@gmail.com) is a content creator under the Newswav Creator programme, where you get to express yourself, be a citizen journalist, and at the same time monetize your content & reach millions of users on Newswav. Log in to creator.newswav.com and become a Newswav Creator now!
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