The Traitors is truly the gift that keeps on giving. Every time you think the BBC show can’t get better, it does. Last time round an undercover crime novelist shouted at everyone while they were eating croissants and a couple of traitors went at each other in the turret. In the inaugural celebrity edition last autumn, Celia Imrie nervously farted and Tom Daley decided Kate Garraway’s use of the word “flabbergasted” was a red flag. Now, the second celebrity edition has begun and, oh boy, it’s already delivered a moment that soars above all of these. Richard E Grant has told everyone he’s a traitor by mistake!
It’s a spectacular marmalade-dropper of a moment that sums up why The Traitors is so perfect. You don’t know what ridiculous things people will do – famous or otherwise – while playing a silly party game in a Scottish castle, but you do know it will be infinitely entertaining. People either love The Traitors, or don’t watch it. To those in the latter camp, I can only ask… why? Life is hard, and this is the best thing on TV. It’s a blessed relief that it has returned.
We know everything is going to be OK from the minute that host Claudia Winkleman emerges from a coffin carried by two cloaked men, wearing a gigantic ruff and leather fingergloves. “That was quite a nap,” she tells the assembled lineup of celebs who have been shuffling nervously in the pews of a draughty church.
After some pre-game faff with shields, given to Corrie legend Julie Hesmondhalgh for essentially looking friendly, we’re onto the proper business of choosing the traitors. Winkleman, whose boot-stamping prowl is becoming as dramatic as her fake tan, selects Maya Jama and Grant, which maybe isn’t that surprising given Grant had been salivating for the Traitor role the second he arrived on set. “We’re in!” he booms, striding around the castle like a dad who has just driven his entire family to a self-catering cottage holiday without any hitches. “Absolutely thrilled! And I can’t wait to start murdering them. I cannot WAIT,” he purrs after being chosen, before dissolving into a cackle.
Much has been made of the fact that the show has pulled in some serious star power, leaving poor Strictly quaking in its sequins. We have the genuine A-listers (Grant, Jama, Jerry Hall), the household faves (Miranda Hart, Julie Hesmondhalgh, Michael Sheen), the cool young stars (Bella Ramsay, Myha’la), the comedians (so many comedians! James Acaster, Romesh Ranganathan, Joe Lycett, Rob Beckett) and some very enticing curveballs (Ross Kemp and James Blunt, dressed for some reason like he’s about to give a best man’s speech). Initially I thought there were far too many actors in the line-up – where’s the no-nonsense non-luvvie sports guy like Joe Marler? – but after the first episode I am no longer worried, because I need the fawning thesps to keep King Richard in for as long as possible.
The moment in the bar when Grant tells Joe Lycett he’s a Traitor while sipping from a wine glass is pure box office, met by the surrounding celebs with blank, baffled faces. “You’ve made it very clear you’re not,” guffaws Blunt. “I think you’ve just done something that’s never happened in the game,” murmurs a bemused Lycett. “OK. Cheers!” Grant says, exiting the room with his glass aloft, leaving chaos in his wake. At first, I’m sure he’s done it on purpose as the ultimate double bluff, carried off with the confidence of an Oscar nominee, a big dog using his big dog status to unsettle the other players, but later he says it was a genuine error due to his “unguarded excitement”, which is also still quite plausible. He had been quivering with delight in almost every scene. Whatever it is, my WhatsApp group will be dissecting it for hours.
The first challenge involves the wetsuit-clad famous people retrieving things from boxes around a ship that’s apparently going to blow up if they don’t get off in 90 seconds (hard to imagine all their agents agreeing to this, but it is a pretty coveted gig). Before long, the strategies and theories are coming thick and fast. Several admit they are planning to play dumb. Others demonstrate that celebrities, too, will have nonsensical gameplans. Amol Rajan tells us confidently that “you play fair but you play hard and you play to win”. (Riiight… surely this is the one game you don’t play fair, though?) Meanwhile, Hall is misguidedly adamant that Grant can’t be a Traitor because “I’ve known him for 30 years”.
Oh, sweet humans, with their quirks, passions and certainties – it kind of all gives me faith in the universe. Another highlight is Ross Kemp interpreting all physical contact as an act of aggression. When Ramsay places a sailor’s hat on his head at the end of the challenge, he grizzles, “You didn’t just kill me, did you?” Later, Little Mix star Leigh-Anne Pinnock benignly pats his arm and he instantly dashes next door to see Sheen and Beckett. “Well, boys, another weird one’s just happened. Just had my arm rubbed.”
The only bad thing about The Traitors is the danger that the most entertaining players get bumped off too soon, with just the played-it-safe dullards left at the end. Obviously, Grant and Kemp must be protected at all costs. Whatever happens, though, all the signs are that this will be another series of unmissable telly, with the episode ending on a brilliant cliffhanger: two celebs have to make a plea to join the Traitors – one to be recruited, the other leaving the game. These twists are a reminder that the show has to continuously reinvent in order to keep its contestants – and viewers – guessing. In a mass of tired TV formats, where Strictly is slogging on and Bake Off is going stale, it’s a joy to watch something that doesn’t even feel close to peaking. Maybe a day will come when it starts to wear out, but for now, let’s luxuriate in a show in its golden age.
