Dear Vix,
I’m a widower and I lost my wife a couple of years ago. I loved her very much and miss her every day. However, I have recently been thinking about trying to meet somebody new to spend my twilight years with.
It’s not so much the practicalities that are stopping me, however – I know there are websites you can sign up to, to meet people online, and my daughter said she will help me build a profile if I want her to – but my confidence. At 60, I’m just not convinced that I have much to offer somebody new.
My wife and I were married for 40 years and she met me when I was much younger and very ambitious. I had to take early retirement due to illness, so I haven’t actually been working for a while. I try to keep active – I walk a lot and go to the theatre when I can – but I suppose I’m not doing as much as I would’ve been doing even twenty years ago, at 40. I am comfortable, but certainly not wealthy. Mostly, I enjoy pottering around in the garden and reading a quiet book, or listening to the radio.
I just don’t think it’s a very exciting prospect for a new, maybe even slightly younger partner: some old bloke who sits in his chair reading and listening to classical music! Is anyone actually going to be interested?
Past It
Dear Past It,
I’m going to be honest here: what you’ve described, even in the rather limited space of a letter, is more interesting than most modern dating profiles (trust me – I used to use them). So, no. The blunt answer is: 60 is young! It’s certainly no age to resign yourself to the scrap heap! Particularly when, from your message alone, it’s obvious to all of us how much you have to offer.
You’ve not only openly expressed your feelings around losing your wife, who you loved; but you’re self-aware enough to know where you are now – and what you are looking for. All that’s missing is a dollop of confidence (which isn’t a problem for many younger men who use dating apps – even when it perhaps should be!).
Just look at how many varied and interesting passions you have: classical music, theatre, walking, reading, gardening and the radio. You have a lovely-sounding relationship with your daughter, who is willing to help you set up an online dating profile to help you find love. You sound like you had a great, thriving career – even if it is one that was sadly cut short due to ill health.
For more from Vix, sign up to her Independent Women newsletter – a weekly dose of smart, sharp and unflinching stories on the issues that matter most.
You’re “comfortable”, you say, and the most important thing of all: you’re curious. You’re keen to try and meet someone new; you are interesting – and interested. I don’t imagine you will have any trouble talking about your hobbies (the latest play you’ve seen, a great book you’ve read) when you’re with someone on a first or second date.
The hardest part of this whole process will be boosting your self-belief to get you there. I would encourage you to try these simple tips: don’t set your goal before you go on a date to being “meeting someone to spend your twilight years with”. It doesn’t have to be as grand – or have as much at stake – as that.
Before each date, reframe it to tell yourself that you’re just going to find out about somebody new. To see if there’s a “spark” – however small. To simply answer this key question: “Would I like to spend more time getting to know this person?” If the answer is yes, ask for a second date.
You can also try this mental reframing to help you shift from hoping someone likes you, to actively evaluating whether they are a good fit for your life.
It is also worth remembering that everyone you will meet at this stage of life comes with their own full tapestry – including emotional baggage and fears, triggers and traumas and grief – and a lack of romantic interest does not mean there is anything “wrong” with you, or that you “don’t have anything to offer”. Sometimes, it can simply mean the other person is not in the right space for a relationship, or their interests are incompatible with yours. Everyone finds rejection difficult, but shoring up your self-belief before you begin dating will help you find broader shoulders for it.
And, when you’re on the date, you don’t need to worry too much about trying actively to be funny, witty and charming. Just be yourself and ask questions: people love interested company. Forget about performing, and only worry about connecting. Be alert to how your body feels in the company of this person – do they lift you up, or drain you?
Try and remain lighthearted as you navigate this tricky process – also be gentle with yourself, as you date after the loss of your wife. Take breaks if you’re feeling overwhelmed, to gather your strength. Remain focused on growth – even a “no” can teach us something about ourselves. But trust me on this one: you have plenty to give.
Do you have a problem you would like to raise anonymously with Dear Vix? Issues with love, relationships, family and work? Email dearvix@independent.co.uk
Dear Vix: I can’t spend Christmas listening to my brother-in-law’s ‘jokes’
Nato’s northern flank is facing a threat level not seen since the Cold War
Andy Burnham is the star the Labour party needed
Seven questions Andy Burnham needs to answer if he’s serious about rejoining Europe
‘Cornell 7’ case is like #MeToo – if you’re not furious, you’re not paying attention
.png?width=1200&auto=webp&trim=0%2C0%2C0%2C0)