This is super embarrassing to write about, but my boyfriend is into bizarre things in the bedroom that I’m just not into at all – and I don’t really know how to handle it.
First, he wanted me to role play as a sort of dominatrix figure, which I get (kind of): at least, I know that kind of fantasy is pretty common. Some men like to be dominated and told what to do, fine – but I draw the line on inflicting any pain. I’m not sure I was able to “deliver” what he really wanted on the times we tried it, but I did my best.
The thing is, since we started doing that; it feels a bit like it’s opened the floodgates to stuff I’m really not comfortable with. And without being too graphic or gross, I’m really quite freaked out by the latest thing my boyfriend now wants me to do, which is pee on him.
As soon as he mentioned being into it, I couldn’t hide my disgust – to me, there’s just something really dark about it. If I’m honest, it’s made me feel quite upset. It feels degrading and humiliating. Why would my boyfriend, who I care about, want me to treat him like that? What does it say about our relationship that he thinks I would willingly do that to him?! We love each other, so why would he want me to do something so disturbing? It’s made me withdraw from him, if I’m honest. I can tell I’m avoiding any chance of being intimate in case he asks me to go ahead with it – and I really don’t want to.
Confused
Dear Confused,
I’m sorry that this has affected your relationship. I can understand why your partner’s request has felt shocking, a bit disturbing and why it has upset you – because it’s something you really don’t want to do. That’s the important part here, far above and beyond the nuances and intricacies of your boyfriend’s particular fetish, “kink” or fantasy.
People can be unique and strange and have curious tastes, we know that – and this is perhaps no more stark and evident than in the bedroom. What turns us on is complex and individual and most of the time, nobody would have a clue other than the person we are being intimate with.
We might not even comprehend ourselves where it stems from, and my personal feelings on it are that when it veers into the “extreme”, it’s probably tied up with a whole host of psychological factors and circumstances that developed around the time we entered puberty, when we were confused and hormonal and not in control of our urges; or exposed to things we might not have had the emotional maturity to process at the time.
Though so-called “golden showers” – otherwise known as “urolagnia” – are reasonably common in the fantasy stakes, I can understand why this particular act feels uncomfortable to you, as well as being associated with something dark and degrading – and if it was your boufriend writing me this letter, I would probably ask him if he had ever thought about exploring the genesis of this fantasy in therapy.
Maybe he has, maybe he’s overcome it, maybe the act itself – for whatever reason – feels empowering to him because he is the one controlling it and asking for it; or perhaps it’s titillating because it’s “taboo”. Perhaps he simply enjoys the feeling of being submissive (I’m also aware he’s asked you for role-play scenarios which suggest an interest in being dominated) and is pushing it to its limits; perhaps he feels it’s subversive and “naughty” and a “thrill”. I don’t know.
What I do know, though, is that in an ideal world you should be able to talk to him about it.
You’re obviously close, given that he felt safe enough to express the nature of his specific fantasy to you; and you say openly that you love each other, so I am wondering whether you would feel able to bring it up with him outside of the bedroom. Perhaps you could go for a cozy autumnal walk and bring it up, with the objective of understanding why he wants to do it, and then expressing the truth about how you feel about it (often, it’s easier to discuss tricky subjects when you’re moving your body and are sideways on from the other person, rather than having direct eye contact).
For more from Vix, sign up to her Independent Women newsletter – a weekly dose of smart, sharp and unflinching stories on the issues that matter most.
If you feel you would like a third party there, to make it a little easier (a lot of people find it tricky to talk about sex, even with someone they care about) and to be in a supportive, more guided environment, why not try couples’ counselling? While many people would say a specific fetish or fantasy or kink isn’t harmful in itself, I’d say that something always warrants attention if it starts impacting your relationship – and from what you’ve told me, it has.
The most important factor, I think, is that you don’t feel pressured to do anything you really don’t want to do. Nobody should feel coerced or badgered to take part in any sexual act – either within or outside of a relationship – that they don’t feel comfortable with. And if something is ringing alarm bells with you, it probably isn’t right for you.
What will be interesting to observe is whether this is a “deal breaker” for your boyfriend. Because it shouldn’t be. Sure, it might be something he’s interested in, and we should all consider our partners’ wants and desires and needs, but nobody should be forcing you to step wildly outside of your personal and sexual comfort zone.
And if there is even a hint of doubt, or a question mark left lingering, then to my mind it’s a “no”. You’re not going to enjoy it – and neither is he. Dishonoring yourself and sacrificing your own comfort, safety or security to fulfill someone else’s sexual desires is an trade-off that nobody should be expected to make. And nobody who really loves you would ask you to. So, just to reassure you in case you were wondering: on this one, it is perfectly OK to say “no”.
Do you have a problem you would like to raise anonymously with Dear Vix? Issues with love, relationships, family and work? Email dearvix@independent.co.uk
