When someone close to you is diagnosed with cancer, that may leave you feeling at a loss - but specialists say some phrases are less helpful than others.
You may be asking yourself, how should I deal with my mother or my close friend now?
“Be there and listen; hold back on advice and offer practical help,” is how psycho-oncologist Angela Grigelat sums it up.
Many of us put ourselves under pressure to be perfect when dealing with cancer patients but some phrases that are supposed to help can actually be unhelpful for the person struggling with the illness.
Grigelat, a German psychological psychotherapist, lists four well-intentioned phrases to try and avoid, as cancer patients find them difficult to hear, in her experience.
“You’re so strong. If anyone can do it, it’s you.”
Grigelat suggests not saying this. "This kind of praise can lead the person with cancer to think: ‘If I have doubts about whether I can manage it, I’d better not say anything in future – everyone thinks I’m strong anyway.’”
Also, comments such as "‘At least you have a type of cancer that’s easy to treat; it could have been worse’ don’t help people with cancer either," she says. It leads to thoughts like, "I’d better not complain at all then.”
“My aunt had cancer too”
Grigelat suggests it is not helpful to share stories about other people’s experience of cancer. There are thousands of types of cancer with completely different prognoses, courses and treatment regimes. One has absolutely nothing to do with the other, she says. Such stories rarely offer people any comfort, rather, they are often frightening.
Do you think it was all that stress?
Grigelat says try to avoid speculating about the causes of cancer. Unfortunately, people do this a lot. She says you sometimes hear comments like, ‘You painted your house, perhaps there were toxins in the paint.’”
That’s pointless “because with many cancers we don’t know exactly why they developed," Grigelat says. "There is never just one factor that has significantly triggered the disease. Even if you carry a genetic mutation – it’s always a mix.”
A further thing to avoid are interpretations pointing to psychological factors such as stress or an unhappy marriage. "There is no study that reliably proves these play any role in the development of cancer,” she says.
These kinds of phrases shift the responsibility for the development of the disease onto those affected, and also the blame. It is as though you are saying, "You did something wrong and now you’re paying the price.”
“You must think positively now”
“That plays into the same vein: shifting responsibility onto the person affected. It conveys the message, ‘You must be confident now, otherwise it won’t work’," Grigelat says. And this, even though those affected might be asking themselves: ‘Will I even be here next Christmas?’”
Such statements are based on the idea that positive thinking leads to a better prognosis for the disease. “That’s not true," she says. "It has been studied extensively. You can be as pessimistic as you like. Cancer cells don’t care how you feel.”
Ways you can offer support
Rather than grand words and gestures, a calm presence is often more helpful. Here are some of Grigelat's suggestions for how you can offer comfort at this difficult time:
- “I don’t understand everything that’s happening to you right now, but I’m here and I care.”
- “I can’t take your suffering away, but I’m by your side.”
- “What’s going on inside you right now? What can I do for you?”
