An elderly parent needs care. So does the loved one providing it.
By Pola Singh
I was deeply disturbed and saddened by the news of a 49-year-old woman charged with murdering her bedridden mother –“Housewife charged with murdering 70-year-old mother, New Straits Times, 2 Oct 2026) A 70-year-old woman had lost her life, while her daughter now faced a charge with potentially devastating consequences. I found myself thinking about both of them, and about a tragedy whose circumstances we do not yet fully understand.
According to the report, the mother required constant care and had recently returned home from an elder care centre. The daughter reportedly had a history of mental health treatment, and the court ordered a psychiatric assessment to determine her fitness to stand trial. We do not know why the mother returned home or what happened before her death. The daughter has been charged, not convicted.
Yet this tragedy raises a question that reaches beyond one family: when an elderly person needs constant care, who cares for the caregiver? We recognise the needs of a bedridden parent, but may overlook the person attending to those needs every day and throughout the night.
Behind the words “looking after Mum” may lie exhausting responsibilities: feeding, bathing, changing diapers, giving prescribed medication and arranging medical appointments. A hospital visit can mean taking leave from work, organising transport and spending hours travelling and waiting. On returning home, the caregiver’s other responsibilities are still there.
Relatives may ask whether Mum has eaten or taken her medicine, yet forget to ask whether her daughter has slept or eaten properly. Because she continues to manage, everyone assumes she can continue indefinitely. Her work is visible; her emotional exhaustion often remains unseen.
We must change this mindset. The caregiver has needs, worries and limits of her own. Her welfare should be part of every discussion about her parent’s care, rather than something considered only when she becomes ill or reaches a crisis.
The pressures can be especially severe in poor households, where hiring a domestic helper or paying for professional care is beyond reach. One family member becomes the default caregiver, perhaps while earning a living, raising children and managing a household. Every expense—diapers, medication, food and transport—competes with other necessities.
In rural areas, distance and limited transport can make matters harder. Where services are far away, obtaining routine care requires considerable effort. “Get some help” offers little comfort when affordable assistance is unavailable and nobody can take over.
I fear that more families will struggle with these pressures as the need for elderly care grows. This report does not establish that such killings are becoming more common. But we should not wait for another death before recognising caregiver distress. Many households suffer quietly, without ever making the news.
The emotional strain can be as draining as the physical work. There is constant worry about money, fear of making mistakes and uncertainty about how long care will be needed. A caregiver may love her parent deeply and still feel overwhelmed, resentful or desperate for rest. These feelings deserve understanding, not accusations of ingratitude.
The elderly person may also be suffering. Pain, dependence and loss of privacy can bring frustration and impatience. Hurtful exchanges may leave both parties distressed. Neither person’s suffering cancels out the other’s; both need support.
Aircraft safety instructions offer a useful lesson: put on your own oxygen mask before helping your child. Someone who cannot breathe will soon be unable to help another person. Likewise, a caregiver needs rest, nourishment, emotional support and attention to her own health to sustain the care she provides.
Healthcare professionals, welfare authorities and community organisations should look at the whole caregiving situation. Alongside assessing a dependent senior, they should ask who provides the care, how that person is coping and what practical assistance is needed.
Families must stop allowing responsibility to settle silently on the person who complains least. Siblings can share expenses, arrange appointments or take regular turns. Those living farther away can help with paperwork or financial contributions. The main caregiver should not have to plead repeatedly for assistance.
Neighbours and friends can offer something specific: transport to hospital, help collecting medication, a prepared meal or suitable companionship while the caregiver rests. A few dependable hours of help may mean more than repeated assurances of sympathy. Listening without judgement can also ease the loneliness.
None of this establishes what happened in Ipoh or excuses violence. The mother’s life and dignity matter profoundly. I hope the court will examine the evidence, the daughter’s circumstances and the psychiatric findings carefully, allowing justice to be informed by understanding, with mercy where the law and evidence permit.
I have often reflected that caring for our parents teaches us the meaning of devotion—the devotion they once showered on us. We must appreciate them while they are here, because one day they will remain only in our memories. But devotion needs support. Whenever we ask whether an elderly parent is receiving proper care, let us also ask whether the caregiver is receiving any care at all.
Pola Singh (mediaplayer1717@gmail.com) is a content creator under the Newswav Creator programme, where you get to express yourself, be a citizen journalist, and at the same time monetize your content & reach millions of users on Newswav. Log in to creator.newswav.com and become a Newswav Creator now!
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