It was July, and I had just finished the final semester of my degree last week. My Final Year Project was very messy, and its results were not good enough for the project to be published. I have doubted myself a lot since finishing my final exams and my final year project, especially because I have not received any good job offers. I am trying to prove to myself that I can be better and that I am just as worthy as my classmates in my own way, such as by enrolling in the SEASTAR program and joining the Champion Chip Experience to learn more about semiconductors and digital logic.
However, I often doubt and compare myself to my classmates to the point where I feel like there is no use in trying or pursuing my hobbies, or even my studies. It makes me feel unworthy of walking across the convocation stage to receive my degree certificate, sending me spiraling into stress, anxiety, and sometimes, depression. I used to feel that my questions were stupid because I was taught during homeschooling that asking for help could result in punishment or negative consequences.
I have an interest in mathematics and physics, but I lack the foundation I should have built during my time at two different Christian homeschooling centers. The first was a Christian special needs homeschool where the curriculum discredited science and attempted to disprove the evolution of the universe. The second center, located in a shoplot, provided a toxic mixture of rote learning rather than the critical, logical, and creative problem-solving skills required for the natural and formal sciences. In science, persistence through mistakes is essential—it is not about avoiding wrong answers, but rather finding the correct approach. To help fill these knowledge gaps in science and mathematics, I participated in the Junior Science Camp and the STEM Trials.
The reason I was enrolled in these homeschool centers is that I could not speak until I was either three or four years old (which is considered an early symptom of mild autism). The traditional schools my parents found could not accept me or accommodate my needs. My parents even had to take half-days off from work to send me to speech and occupational therapy, returning afterward to finish their office work until past midnight.
Fortunately, the pastor of this homeschool center was willing to accept me. However, I struggled with social cues, and the classmates in my first class used me to get away with trouble (like hacking to access the internet) and falsely accused me of stealing workbooks, even though I checked my shelf and there was nothing there. I thought this made me a failure and that this behavior was normal, so I studied and worked harder to prove to them that I belonged. In Batch 119 (which I found funny, as my batch only had six students), I was the only female who took all the pure sciences and additional mathematics. It was around this time that my homeroom teacher and the principal of Chempaka Assembly of God found out that I had Asperger’s syndrome, which is considered mild autism.
In 2019, when I was in the ninth grade just before awards day, I had a classmate who was younger than me. (I still remember his name, but I am omitting all names of people and the specific Christian homeschool centers I attended for privacy purposes). He wanted me to film a scene where I cleaned the classroom and turned on the vacuum robot for a class video to be shown at the awards presentation. The homeschool teacher and this classmate planned this scene so that everyone in the center would make fun of me and humiliate me, reducing me to the role of a janitor. That scene hit me hard, and I still frequently have flashbacks to it. I used to be friends with this classmate, but after he humiliated me on Awards Day, we stopped being friends. Worse, he made me feel like a monster because I genuinely thought that was how friends were supposed to behave.
As a result, I felt I had to hide my autism while applying to both Sunway College and Xiamen University Malaysia, and I learned to be ashamed of it. I had to unlearn and relearn how to be a better friend and how to socialize during my A-Levels at Sunway College (my pastor had warned me not to take A-Levels, but I graduated with a good GPA above 3.00) and while studying for my Bachelor’s Degree in Physics at Xiamen University Malaysia. There, I matured and realized that I needed to treat and respect others exactly how I wish to be treated, and I finally learned to take care of myself.
I have faced many panic and anxiety attacks, and even a few sleep paralysis episodes where I could not get out of bed. I tried to seek counseling throughout my A-Levels and the first two years of my degree, but it didn't feel worth it. I thought it better to keep everything to myself and act like I was OK in front of my family, friends, and even lecturers so I wouldn't burden them.
After I finished my final semester, I thought all of my suffering was over, but I was wrong. I am currently stressed about finding a Master’s degree program and pursuing higher education. I even have to research and write an exoplanet paper in one month for SEASTAR, while simultaneously studying semiconductors in a short timeframe for the competition. I am doing all of this to secure a higher admission rate for my Master’s Degree and to broaden my research interests. But the flashback of that awards presentation video keeps replaying in my mind, telling me that I am not good enough and that I should just be a cleaner or a janitor.
I am not writing this or venting in this forum out of a desire for revenge. Rather, I need to speak up about my experience of being bullied at a Christian homeschooling center. Those who do these things will eventually face harsh consequences, and silence only protects bullies while harming the victims. I hope this post will advocate against bullying. Currently, I am taking psychobiotics and antidepressants to help manage my health.
Hing Wen Yi (hingwenyi12345@gmail.com) is a content creator under the Newswav Creator programme, where you get to express yourself, be a citizen journalist, and at the same time monetize your content & reach millions of users on Newswav. Log in to creator.newswav.com and become a Newswav Creator now!
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