By Dr Victor SL Tan
We live in a world overflowing with opinions. Some are offered kindly, some carelessly, and some with enough vinegar to pickle a cucumber. If we allow every cynical remark, doubtful look or cutting criticism to enter our heart, we will soon become tenants in a house built by other people’s judgments.
That is no way to live. Other people may describe us, misunderstand us or even underestimate us, but they must not define us. Our identity should be grounded in self-respect, sound values and the quiet confidence that grows when we keep our promises to ourselves.
Confidence is built, not borrowed
Healthy self-esteem is not loud, arrogant or dependent on applause. It is the inner conviction that we have worth, that we can learn and that today’s limitations need not become tomorrow’s boundaries. Psychologist Albert Bandura called this self-efficacy: belief in our capacity to organise our effort and act toward a desired result. The American Psychological Association notes that such belief affects motivation, resilience and behaviour.
The most reliable way to strengthen that belief is through mastery—doing something difficult and proving to ourselves that we can improve. Set a meaningful goal. Work on it consistently. Finish it. Then set a larger goal and begin again. Each achievement becomes evidence in the courtroom of the mind. When doubt says, “You cannot,” your record replies, “I have done difficult things before.”
This is not motivational decoration. A review of more than 1,000 studies reported that specific, challenging goals are consistently associated with stronger performance and persistence. ( Source: Seijts, G. H., & Latham, G. P. (2012). “Knowing when to set learning versus performance goals.” Organizational Dynamics, 41(1), 1–6. DOI: 10.1016/j.orgdyn.2011.12.001. )But goals must stretch us without crushing us. A missed target is information, not a verdict. We refine the method, adjust the timetable and continue.
The Fosbury lesson
Dick Fosbury offers a memorable example. In the 1960s, high jumpers generally crossed the bar face-down or sideways. Fosbury approached differently, curved toward the bar and went over backwards. His awkward-looking method attracted laughter and scepticism. Yet he continued refining it, centimetre by centimetre, until he won Olympic gold in 1968 and set an Olympic record. What once looked ridiculous became the Fosbury Flop—the technique that transformed the sport.
Imagine if Fosbury had called a committee meeting after every laugh. He might still be taking minutes while somebody else cleared the bar. Instead, he let results speak. Tunku Abdul Rahman, Malaysia’s first Prime Minister, captured this spirit of self-determination in his 1957 Independence Proclamation: “From henceforth we are masters of our destiny.” His words remind us that we must take responsibility for shaping our own future rather than surrendering that power to our critics.
The best redemption is not revenge but success.
Do not give your critic a promotion
When someone runs you down, becoming bitter merely gives that person a second victory. First they wounded you; then you allowed them to occupy your mind without paying rent. Do not promote a passing critic to Chief Executive Officer of your self-worth.
Pause. Breathe. Ask one honest question: Is there anything useful here? If there is, take the lesson and leave the insult. If there is not, silently say, “Thank you for the motivation,” and return to your work. This distinction matters. Refusing to be defined by criticism does not mean becoming deaf to feedback. A wise person separates the signal from the noise. Constructive feedback identifies something specific and helps us improve; cynicism usually attacks our character, predicts failure and offers no path forward.
Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck’s research on growth mindset reinforces this approach. People who view ability as developable are more willing to face challenges, change strategies and learn from setbacks. Stanford’s teaching guidance also cautions that growth is not about effort alone; effort must be joined by feedback, better strategies and support. Persistence is powerful, but repeatedly pushing the same locked door is not courage. Sometimes wisdom means finding the key—or another door.
Their negativity may not be about you
Some habitual naysayers speak from insecurity, disappointment, jealousy or anger. Their message may reveal more about their inner weather than your worth. A person carrying a storm tends to report rain everywhere. Recognising this helps us avoid taking every negative remark personally.
Still, we need not diagnose or condemn them. We can simply refuse delivery. Their opinion is a package we are not required to sign for. Treat people with dignity, maintain sensible boundaries and continue building a life that reflects your own values.
A practical discipline of self-definition through Mindset Change
Define yourself through values: decide what kind of person you will be when nobody applauds. Refine yourself through goals: choose one clear outcome and work on it regularly. Record small wins: progress becomes visible when it is written down. Review criticism calmly: keep what is true, correct what needs correction and discard what is merely cruel. Finally, let achievement answer doubt—but do not make your critic the centre of your life. The deepest success is not proving them wrong; it is becoming so purpose-driven that their verdict is no longer relevant.
Over the last 30 years I have been extensively involved in getting people to change their mindsets using our company's proprietary BACHA Mindset Change Model to lead postive and profitable change. In essence, it is about eliminating our Blindspots, changing outdated Assumptions, reducing Complacency, getting getting rid of unproductive Habits and extinguishing negative Attitude. Our BACHA Mindset Change Model has been used by successful companies including Public Bank Berhad to lead positive and profitable change. This model is captured in the book, Lessons of Success of Tan Sri Dato Sri Dr Teh Hong Piow, the late and founder of Public Bank Berhad.
You are not a finished product. You are a continuing work of courage, discipline and grace. Let others have their opinions; they are entitled to them. But keep the authorship of your life. Set the goal, do the work, learn from the setback and raise the bar again. One day, what others mocked may become the very thing for which you are remembered.
Remember dont let others define you, you are created by God in His image and are destined for greater things. Change your mindset and transform yourself to lead positive and profitable change to make this world a better place that you found it.
Dr Victor SL Tan is the Chief Executive Officer of KL Strategic Change Consulting Group. He is an author 21 books including Changing Mindsets, Releasing Trapped Minds, Changing Your Corporate Culture and Lessons of Tan Sri Teh Hong Piow (the late founder of Public Bank Berhad). KL Strategic Change Consulting Group is the winner of The Brandlaureate Award for the company that makes the most positive and profitable impact on organisations through corporate training. For further information he can be contacted at victorsltan@klsc.com or 0123903168.
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